Robbery at Local Mcdonalds

THE HAMBURGLAR

Be Advised. Between the hours of 2pm and 3pm at a local Mcdonalds restaurant a 21 year old man was robbed in a suprise bathroom altercation that left him Hospitalized. As the victim attempted to use the bathroom facility he was savagely beaten and brutally assaulted. Reportedly the attacker stole the victims recently purchased Quarter Pounder With Cheese before fleeing the building giggling maniacally according to security footage.

The victim described his attacker as 

"A ginger version of the Latin hero Zorro in the colors of an NFL Referee  except with a  bizarre horizontal stripe pattern".  

The attacker has been dubbed "The Hamburglar." and is currently at large considered armed and extremely dangerous.  
When asked how he felt about the incident the victim said "Frankly I'm not that upset about my burger getting stolen but I'm mad that this crazy guy just kicked my ass over it. Why couldn't he just buy his own?"
If you have any information about "The Hamburglar" please contact local authorities at once. 

If you see "The Hamburglar" and you have any type of Hamburgers or products associated with the making of Hamburgers you are advised to abandon your items and leave immediately .  

The Hamburglar is about Five foot ten inches tall with red hair and freckles. He often wears a white and black striped suit, red gloves with a matching necktie with Hamburgers printed on it and a Mask Hat combination that disguises his identity. 

 Just to be safe we advise anyone who plans on handling, purchasing, transporting, cooking, or eating any of the following items to proceed with caution:

Burger Buns, Ground Beef, Ketchup, Mustard, and American Cheese.  

Lastly he is apparently uninterested in Veggie or Turkey Burgers, Which have been deemed safe by local authorities.  

In other news

After having his name pronounced wrong at a local board meeting, a man was pronounced dead at a local hospital from eating copious amounts of a new dessert product known only as "The Stuff." 

We will look further into this mysterious dessert in our next report.