Dale The Angry Radio Guy

Last year in late September I traveled to Indiana where I have traveled many times in recent years to work on a film project. This was a fun project because I got to create all of the scenes without the other actors voice and without any of the music or visuals added in post. This project was a big lesson in blocking for me. I must say that these folks at Valiant Dead LLC really did a fine job with the lighting on this project. I went to college for radio and this was a fun role to do. It's funny I had a short stint working for a CBS station before I became disillusioned with the world of radio broadcasting and began to pursue Acting instead which has now led me to playing an angry ham radio operator. 
Kudos to James Treakle, and Valiant Dead LLC on a great job with this project Enjoy. 

Fall like the Trees Poem

I say and say the trees that they sway
Some how and some way some now and some late
Some bow and some great some vow and some hate
Summer and spring break sun beach and some waves
I'm preaching my ways while I'm deep in the maze
Ive been speaking this way since the seasons have changed
so ive taken to raking and also waking and baking
its just a daily routine its a day in the making
I had it crackin and mackin but then I was wackin
She was gassin and passin so i fucked her whole ass in
Like a secret assasin with a mask and nun chucks
If you can't spot the sucker that's cuz ya fuckin suck
I live life like a walk through the leaves in the fall
in this life we are the leaves till the rake gets us all :( sorry...

Also does anyone think that the leaves that grow anew every season tell stories about the leaves that had grown before? By the way pardon the cursewords and the general lewd rude and foul language but Frankly my dear I just don't give a damn. All I know is that the Ultimate Warrior is totally out of control!!!!!

Dale The Angry Basketball Player

Last Summer I shot this film with a small crew on a couple of summer days. It's the story of this guy Dale who lost his brother in a tragic accident which has driven a wedge between Dale and his parents who blame him. He also blames himself and often vents by obsessive  bouts of cleaning and working out. He also gets really pissed of when his girlfriend calls and asks him about his appointments.  It's funny that he and I have the same name. Ultimately Dale and his Father meet after years of avoiding each other. Sadly I hurt my right leg in an undisclosed basketball accident at 4:15pm Dec. 14 2013 so the footage in the film is the last time I was able to run and jump like a young man. Now I walk like an old groundskeeper. I hope you enjoy the film which was written and Directed by Max Milner who has sent me a script for a romantic dramady yes dramady....I know it's crazy right? Joshua Lustig was the director of photography. Assistant Director David Law who has a style all his own was always quick with a joke to keep things loose. An entire bathroom was destroyed in the making of this film. Enjoy.  

 

Mr. Freezy "I'm Back!"

In a shadow of doubt wrapped in a cloak
Not a laugh or a nod or even a joke
From desperate ways to desperate times
The six of hearts the spade of nines
The longest night the brightest day
There must be some other way
Summer days so cool and breezy 
Fresh like Febreeze its young frank Deezy
I make it hard while Y'all take it easy 
Y'all getting clean while I'm getting greasy 
Y'all getting grilled I'm getting Cheezy
Y'all ice queens and I'm Mr. Freezy
Awake in the rain what's the name of the game?
Insane from the pain I just say it in vain
my brain is out of frame like a track with out a train
Everything is all the same I'll say it over again

Wild and Free

So much to do to touch and see

The way to live is wild and free

Be you or me who you can be

Open your eyes and finally see

I was watching "Dawn of the Dead 2004" last night and I was thinking about how when they are all trapped in the mall and the zombies keep rolling up with more peeps but the people inside the mall are all walking around using products and fucking around with shit kind of awaiting there eventual demise at the hands of the zombie hordes is kinda like us in real life. It's like the world is our mall with the zombies outside, you can do whatever you want but eventually you will be eaten by zombies. The zombies will eat your brains and your nose...in fact they would probably eat my balls if they had the chance. Anyway what I'm saying is that for all of us our time on earth is pretty limited and we mine as well get wild and be free spirited. In other zombie news I was also thinking about how maybe being a zombie would be kinda cool too because the zombie party don't stop. But then again they don't even really party they just eat people. I guess zombies are like really sloppy and vampires are more classy. I like how the guy that wrote "The Monster Mash claims that it would be all jolly and festive if the The Mummy and Dracula The Wolfman etc... rolled up to a party together. It would not be a good time, it would be a god forsaken bloodbath. It would be like the end of "Cabin in the Woods 2012." what the fuck is this guy talkin? I gotta go pick up some bacon and some bread for BLT Fridays. If you come by on Saturday its steak torta night. On Sundays we usually watch the game and eat wings. On Mondays its half price beers so your losing money if your not drinking. Then on Tuesdays $5 you call its. But if you come in on Wednesday I'll punch ya in the damn face!

Do The Things That Make You Great

Been thinking a lot lately about where life is going. Somebody told me that when your young you have health and time but no money, In middle age you have money and health but you have no time, finally when you are old you have lost your health but have plenty of time and money. What is worth the most to you? I woke up early this morning about 5AM and felt the need to go outside. 

I went out to the patio in the back of my apartment and laid on the cold concrete in the light of the sun watching a few morning clouds pass by. A bit cliche I guess but the neighbors probably thought it was funny.  Eventually I got up and decided not to go back to sleep but to actually put some hours into my real life. Because when I was down there on the ground I could feel the world on my back. I could see infinitely into the sky. The whole Health, Money, Time thing is wrong in my opinion you can have all three. In fact you already do because they are all actually the same thing, they are manifestations of your energy. 

The people you meet live on in your heart forever for your heart is your soul 

The question is who does your energy belong to? Don't let it fall into the wrong hands. My advice is to spend your time wisely and spend it on the only person that really matters in this life, yourself. I'm not saying be selfish I'm just saying that you need to make yourself a priority and stop letting other people control your life. It's yours go out and get it. I'm saying this as much to myself right now as I am to you. 

This is our wake up call. Stop talking about it and start doing it. Be ambitious. Think of failure as an achievement. Spend your time cultivating the skills and crafts that make you the best you. "Simply the best... Better than all the rest." When it's all said and done you want to be able to look back on your life and know that you did the best you could. I have been looking for inspiration and today I literally found it on the ground. You never know where opportunities will present themselves. Stay thirsty my friends. 

Claude...

Me as Claude

This is neither fact nor fiction. This is only a story about Claude. 

Claude only had one Cigarette left and he was saving it for a special occasion. It had been five days now with no drugs and no booze. Claude was beginning to suffer. When will the madness end for our dear friend Claude? He hasn't seen his family or any friends for about three years now and he really doesn't give a shit. "Fuck Them" he thinks while walking through a field of tall wet grass late at night. "Who needs all that fucking bullshit." Claude never had time for any bullshit. 

If you offended him or said something wrong he would wait until you weren't paying attention and then poof he would vanish into thin air. Since he had no money this strategy also worked well as Claude would leave said offender to foot the bill for whatever coffee and wrap Claude had ordered. Claude never spoke much but since he left all those people behind he never spoke at all, to anyone, ever. 

After finding a soft patch to sleep on Claude called it a night. The next morning Claude was attacked and savagely mauled by a group of raccoons who had been following him for sometime. In need of medical attention Claude crawled to the side of the road. A truck driver threw an empty bottle at Claude knocking him unconscious. When Claude awoke it was night time again and he could see the beady little eyes of the raccoons as they watched him from the tall grass. They made raccoon sounds and did intimidating raccoon customs and stuff. Claude wasn't afraid. 

It just so happened that at that very instant another truck driver (this one with a kind heart) decided to pick up Claude and bring him to the hospital. Along the way the trucker told Claude about all his adventures across the highways of America. Claude nodded in silence. At one point the trucker asked Claude to hand him an aspirin from the glove box.

 Claude reached into the glove box and grabbed the bottle but that's when he saw the truckers stash of weed and caffeine pills. Without a second thought Claude began furiously eating the pills and was attempting to create a smoking apparatus using a pop can when the trucker punched Claude in the neck. He then kicked Claude out of the truck and drove off into the sunrise. 

"Ahh Shit I almost had weed..." Claude thought. "Oh shit I think I have rabies...and maybe also fleas" "Dammit" "Fuck!" "Ahh Shit" Claude got up and with his shirt wrapped around his head like a turban he walked for sometime amazed at how well he was doing despite no food, water, medical attention, or money. 

After several hours of walking Claude finally reached a truck stop oasis. It was here that Claude found the kind hearted trucker sleeping in his cab. Claude stole all of the guys drugs and left a nice note regarding how much the guys stories sucked ass. By hitching a ride from an old lady and her dog Claude finally made it to a hospital. Sitting in the waiting room the old lady did all the talking for him. A nurse approached and put a name tag on his jacket that said "Hello My Name is Claude." 

Upon leaving the hospital Claude hugged the old woman and gave the little dog a scratch behind the ear. As he set off on the road again Claude decided that he would continue wearing his name tag until the day he could finally smoke his last cigarette. "But When" He thought "When will this day come?"... 

After several days of walking and sleeping outside Claude was standing by the side of the road with his thumb out when he saw a car in the distance.... To Be Continued. 

Bulls are Back (In my life)

I have been watching the Bulls again. I know everyone will say I am a fair weather fan but this is not the case. I didn't have cable this year and have only seen games that are publicly displayed in local pubs and eatery's. I am very impressed by how much ass they seem to kick even without D Rose. I saw Kirk Heinrich crossing up Steve Nash the other night and had to feel bad about how I was pissed when I found out we had re acquired his talents. I thought his career was over. Sorry Kirk, I was wrong. So it looks like Kirk and Rose in the back court for the latter part of this season. Something tells me Nate Robinson will be coming off the bench. I would really like to go see the Bulls in person one of these days but it looks like I will have to wait until after I work the Chicago Auto Show for the second time. Then I will have the scratch to purchase some tickets (which will surely be overpriced.) So after the auto show keep a lookout for me on the jumbo tron or mega tron or giant light fixture screen thing at The UC. I have falling into a basketball depression following the bulls many playoff losses in recent years. Something tells me that this years squad is tired of losing and definitely has something to prove to the league. Go Bulls. Sorry I doubted you but I was mostly pissed about losing Omer Asik "The Turkish Hammer" and Scalabrini during the off season. Why? Why? Why? Oh brother. I have to go now. Its time for my nightly Jog through a high traffic area. Wish me luck. 

Big Flats Be True To Yourself

A few months ago some guests and I donned costumes in preparation for the delicate art of advertising.  You see we wanted to make a short commercial for one of our favorite cheap beers, perhaps even the greatest of all cheap beers. It's called Big Flats. Its brewed by Walgreen's I guess. The Best part is that it only costs $2.99 for a whole six pack. We bought like twenty six six packs. and then went to work on the filming of our commercial. It went great with the help of some friends but tragedy struck when I accidentally deleted all of our priceless footage. Unfortunately I have to report that the footage is lost forever. But in its stead we ended up recording a much shittier version of the original commercial idea. In the version you will see below it should be quite apparent to you that our entire cast and crew is inebriated to the point of no return. Please Drink Responsibly and enjoy the Show.

We are in no way affiliated with Big Flats in any official sense. It's just cheap beer for guys with no money looking to party. 

My Friends are always Drunk

I have been quite busy and frantic this morning. Living life to the absolute fullest and richest. I enjoyed a refined breakfast of steak and eggs. The steak proved to be very nourishing and enriching to my tired frame. Upon leaving my place I stopped for coffee and a trip to the bank for a friendly conversation with a genuinely interested teller who really seemed to care about my deposit. There is much to do today. Some of my very best friends are calling me to meet them for drinks but its only 930 am...... Is that too early to get naughty?

Unsure of what to do I took a long stroll all the way to the lakefront where I came to rest upon a bench in the misty breeze of scenic lake Michigan. The lake is my favorite part of living in Chicago. I can remember when I first moved here I thought that living by the lake was like living by the ocean. Ha what a dumb ass. Actually I didn't really think that, I always knew the size of these large bodies of water. Speaking of bodies of water, isn't that what we are? We are flesh bags containing water and other goodies. I have a feeling that too much time has been spent on this subject for now.

Anyway. Listing to the sound of the lake I witnessed a bicycle rider punch an unsuspecting Asian man in the head as he rode by because the poor fellow was standing in the bike lane (Life in the bike Lane). Totally not cool bro. He should have just slapped his ass. Holy shit man. What the hell was that dudes problemo? I feel very aggravated by all the shit heads and dip shits here. My visit to the lake has been ruined. Back to the lab.

(Cue batman sound effects and spinning logo)

I spent a few hours writing in my trusty journal to calm my nerves and soothe my bitter frustrations. By comparison I am a new man, a better man, a more refined man than I had been earlier in the day. What a turn of events. As I look toward the evening I keep getting calls from my friends at the bar. I can't believe they are still drinking. Surely they are sustaining themselves by eating mini burgers and other appetizers. Should I meet them? Should I go out and try to be a good friend? Or should I stay home and sit alone in the dark plotting the demise of the corporate machine? I'm going out.

Cheery Point Part 2

Not so long ago I went down to Laurenceburg Kentucky to shoot an independent feature film called "Cheery Point." I am quite pleased to announce that this weekend I am headed back to Kentucky for an Exclusive Screening Of "Cheery Point" in  Louisville. 

You may recognize a certain Delivery Man early on in the trailer. Also there may be a somewhat familiar voice waiting for you at the end of the trailer. I am so honored that they used my voice and likeness. I would like to extend my gratitude to the cast for doing such a good job and also to the crew for making the cast look so cool. I can't wait to see all my friends at the screening and see the final product of all our hard work. Here's to you guys. 

This is the honorary Paser Dance

On a side note I just wanted to say that the week I spent on the farm with the cast and crew was an experience that I will always look back on fondly. Sometimes you have to hit the woods and wear boots and a vest for a week to really figure things out. Thank you for Everything. 

Hanging With Frank

If your hanging with Frank you best bee feeling a buzz
Feeling better than ever better even on drugs

Never under the weather pull from under the rug

And when I’m feeling the love its even better because

Man I’m taking a trip I hit the road with my budz

And i'm taking Sip Mud Lite in my cup

And I’m taking a dip Gach & Chips and some chicks

Were at Lake Michigan chilling Buffalo Chicken Strips

Boom shakalaka we be the chief rockers
NBA jam kick it FIFA like soccer
We got the root beer and the whipped vodka
We act proper you are a malaka

Pop a couple pills until it ain't pretty
Ballpark Frank got the moves like Schmitty
At the strip club we all getting shitty
Big fat motherfucking titties in the city

Broke at Starbucks

I stayed up late to contemplate
I woke up early about seven thirty
Took a shower got dressed in a hurry
Berserk at work cuz I just get dirty
Why do we worry when we scurry
Like Tim to the Currie IT can get scary
You can get lost it can get blurry
You can be the frost or you can be the flurry
Forecast for rain showers and a chance of fury
He he here were go circle like cheerio
Flip like rey mysterio
I scream but you don't hear me though
I own a sound proof mouth and some tear away features
Eyes and nose fake ears oh jeepers 
I woke up duct taped to a duck in a truck 
I grabbed a stick to escape but got stuck 
Oh shucks

Dinosaur DNA

It's been awhile since my last post. I apologize for that. But be assured that I am back and ready to play a little catch up. Here's something weird you can read on the shitter. 

 

Good Evening Ladies and Gentlemen. My name is Sherlock Homeless. Tonight's presentation of Illegal Aliens Vs Sexual Predators is being interrupted by an important announcement from the Food Department Administration "Attention all carnivores, there has been a recent discovery of over 7420 tons of hot dogs, hamburgers, Italian style beef particles, sausages, meatballs, chicken breast, bratwurst and of course hog snouts of various size and density. All of the meat has been genetically altered and scientifically engineered using only the highest quality dinosaur DNA purchased for nominal charges on the black market in Thailand. The meat is then submerged in a vat of human fluids gathered from local bars, homeless shelters and port o johns. At this point the meat is soaked within a tub of chemicals and left to marinate for over three days in my basement. When the employees and scientists bring the meet into the kitchen it is layed upon the main prep table and tenderized in a large group frenzy in which all of the employees slap their genitals against the meat until it achieves optimal tenderness. Afterward several lumberjacks and chainsaw wielding maniacs chop and trim the meat into a gnarled bleeding pile of tissue. We then inject the meat with performance enhancing drugs and a extra large double mega frappaccino with little to no foam and a straw. While the meat is left to cook in the microwave for nearly four hours of slow roasted richness. We begin to prepare our side dishes. Three eggs placed inside a sweaty tube sock dunked inside a small bucket containing diced tomatoes and tuna fish matter. The bucket is to be swirled  for about ten minutes in a circular hula motion before pouring the contents into a dog bowl garnished with a real large dutch pretzel made of sourdough and sea salt. Serve the entire dish on a breakfast in bed style platter and proceed to watch Jurassic Park, Truly one of the greatest motion pictures of our time. God Bless America

Dale Fanella Working For A Living

Contact me at your leisure if you ever need a actor, performer, emcee, writer, model. I  also excel at hauling kegs and brand ambassador work.

Pizza Monster Poem Part One

The sun came out and the moon set in

the alarm went off let the day begin

let the coffee brew and the shower steam

five more minutes to sleep and dream

but watch those minutes 

they sure add up

Have a bagel fill your cup

Read the Times and find your way

Be at work or play today is the day

The forest hum the ocean spray

the icy mist the sunny ray

the way we make the hours pass 

Infinite wisdom at our grasp 

father time is old and wise 

mother earth nurtures young vines

so drink the wines and clean the scrapes 

finish the paper review the tapes

take all the things you took for granted 

the overstated the understanded

the upper graded and under handed 

i read a pamphlet about the planet 

Going Green?  or Going Hamlet?

Going Hamlet I must say sir

Hamlet Going as it were

where is it here that fear we must

of gooey cheese and crunchy crust

tomato chunkage such a must

the pizza monster is after us.

Watch out because I will undoubtedly continue the story of the pizza monster and believe me when I tell you that it is going to be down right hilarious. 

Watch out for the Evil Pizza Monster

Graveyard Shift

I Have Been To The Mountaintop

Another late night for your pal Dale. Oh how I do love a good all nighter but I'm afraid the time has finally come for me to put a stop to this madness. You see for five long years now I have been working the graveyard shift here in FM world where I believe I have made the best of it. For what it's worth I stuck it out for a long time and tried hard to advance myself. During my time here I spent many many hours dedicated to study and self growth. I seriously feel like I have done so much studying here that by now I must have earned some kind of Special Edition Masters Degree. (Any Takers?) You might ask "What is the next step for my pal Dale?" Well to be honest my only real plan is to get out of here at the end of the night and as I walk outside breathe deeply while holding my hands high in the air before screaming for all to hear "I'm Back In The World!" It's like I've been trying to tell you guys. "You can't keep a good man down." Eight Days A Week by The Beatles is playing right now....what a good tune. That is one thing I am going to really miss about this gig.....the tunes. For about five years now they have felt like my tunes. This place has all the familiarity of home to me. Its a heavy feeling you know, leaving a place that feels like home for the last time. This will be an exciting new opportunity for growth and expansion. So glorious is the feeling of knowing that at least for the time being this is my last third shift for awhile. They call it the graveyard shift because the graveyard is where you are headed if you keep working one.  There is also this great short story by Stephen King (One of my Faves BTW) called "Graveyard Shift" about a awesome isolated small town textile mill that has become overrun by ravenous mutated rats/bats etc..... There is a movie adaption of this Epic short story which is also called "Graveyard Shift." I highly recommend watching as there are many scenes worth laughing at. I sure am gonna miss this place but on the flip side if I stay in this place any longer I sure am gonna miss out on a lot of chances for continued entertainment success. I guess I haven't written a post of this length since way back in November when I started this whole 1000waystoblog experiment. The experiment was to see if I could start a blog that didn't suck and sure as the sun rises this blog most definitely did not suck.  I cannot stress to you enough how important it is to me to never have to do another overnight shift. YAHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. I'm so Excited and I just can't hide it. and I know I know I know I know I know I want to. A few songs have gone by since "Eight Days a Week" Now Phil Collins "In the Air Tonight" rules the airwaves. Some of the best and most revealing moments I have ever had were right here behind the control board under the shadow of night and the in the solitude of my own company. It has been a most excellent journey. "and Ive been waiting for this moment for all my life" The journey is not over but just changing as things on this earth tend to. "I can feel it coming in the air tonight." This song rules. Makes me feel like a cinematic bad ass every time I walk around with it playing.  Let me know if you or anyone you know is looking for a hard working young Actor, Entertainer, Interesting Barback, Comedic Writer Etc.....See you in the World. 

Cheery Point Part 1

I have a small role in an Independent film currently shooting on location in Kentucky. It's called "Cheery Point." Cheery Point takes place in an alternate future where the U.S. has been bombed and only sixteen states remain in the union. The story concerns the life of one man named Joshua Barrett who resides in the fictional town of Cheery Point. As a means of nullifying the mass amounts of panic and suffering the government issues a bill making it mandatory for all citizens to consume Torpase a fictional drug that renders the user completely void of any pain or emotion. Most Everyone in Cheery Point works for the T.D.D. The Torpase Distribution Division. Joshua's job is to take pictures of dead Springers (rebels who refuse Torpase and openly show emotion, an offense punishable by death. I play Sam the Torpase Delivery Man who is somewhat like a milkman or postman in his look and manner. Joshua is kidnapped by the leader of the Springers and there you have the beginnings of what will be an epic film due out this summer. Check out the site for Cheery Point. Here are some stills of me as Sam.

Please Help us finish this film by providing a charitable donation toward our cause. I am about to head down to Kentucky to finish our last week of filming. I will let you know how it goes. Wish me luck.

 

Laced Coffee Poem

One day I saw a sign 

"What kinda sign did you see?"

A giant billboard that said "(watch out for the laced coffee?)"

I blinked my eyes twice cuz I thought it said "Iced"

I sat there all day and long into the night

so deep were my thoughts i had a case of the thinks

it made me wanna stop for some food and some drinks 

the diner in flux with plate clanks and glass clinks  

I sat at a table unassuming, 

except for the other three people who sneered

back, back, back, they say while pushing me out of the way

But stay, stay, stay, I say I am the wart that wont go away 

even later in life when your old and your grey all the way to the end I'll be here to stay

so they left and I sat there got coffee and snacks like soup of the day and these new deli wraps

slaps on the table laughter rumbles like thunder i stare at my coffee and i started to wonder

now was it the smell or was it the taste one thing was for sure the coffee was laced

I paced to the bathroom to look in the mirror the sounds on my face i started to hear

strange prose from my nose bold lies from my eyes surprised by the highs that laced coffee provides

I Met Joe Black

Any Questions?

Can I Ask You A Few Questions?

If life is a marathon when do we get time to train for it?

Is throwing an apple through a window considered a technological breakthrough?

What does the late bird get to eat?

Should the bottom of the ocean have a wet floor sign?

Are stinky feet the original stocking stuffer?

If you stood taller than everyone else, would they all understand you?

If Cows could prescribe prescription medication to people. Would they work at a Farmacy?

If you write a Slogan on a baseball and throw it through the window of an advertising firm, is that a good pitch?

In anger management is there an assistant manager?

Is trick or treat a trick question?

If a broken clock is right twice a day, how many times is it wrong?

Should the punishment for breaking and entering be

fixing and leaving?

How do you talk about a code of silence?

Can a nose run a marathon? If it won, would they say it won by a nose?

If a witch makes a mistake is it considered misspelling?

Do stars take meteor showers and wear asteroid belts?

In the gaming world, is it good to be considered “all thumbs?”

If a group of vegans sit at a table is it considered a vegetable?

Is procrastinating at the top of your to do list?

When humpty dumpty fell, why did everyone try to put him back together when they could have just had a good breakfast?

If a pilot forgets to zip up his pants, is he then traveling in a no fly zone?

If you play golf while handcuffed is it called, Cuff links?

If you throw toxic sludge on a lamp, is that light pollution?

If you fall down in an elevator while it’s going up, do you break even?

If you clean your meat, is that a polish sausage?

If an elf was crowned king, would he be called Elfvis?

When you meet your obligations, is it polite to introduce yourself?

If you write something while sitting down, is it possible to stand by your word?

When your car breaks down should you take it to see a shrink?

If you construct a life boat out of soda cans, might it be called a root beer float?

Do you need rolling papers for smoked sausage?

Why do most shallow people have deep seeded issues?

Is slowly eating fast food considered, wasting your time?

If you straighten and shuffle papers for thirty minutes can you then say that you spent a half hour jogging?

Is a locomotive a train or a crazy idea?

If I wanted to call myself to talk about personal matters, should I get an I-Phone?

What is the difference between staying up too early and going to bed too late?

How many rooms are in a house of cards?

How many hands does it take to hold a grudge?

In theatre classes, are students encouraged to “act up?”

When you meet your doom, should you bring an introductory gift?

Is there any strength in letters?

How come there are never any beds in restrooms?

If you’re unsure about how to change your morning routine, should you just sleep on it?

If you bring a fishing pole on an airplane, might you be….fly fishing?

If someone loses a hotdog should you check your buns accordingly?

If you pack a fanny pack, is it then called a “fanny packed?”

If you get a hangnail on a cliff, is it considered a cliffhanger?

If you are hard of hearing does that mean you prefer easy listening?

If Darth Vader is on your Elevator is it then considered an Elevader?

What exactly is phony bologna? And is it FDA approved?

How much sleep constitutes a little rest?

Do pigs bring home the most bacon?

If your eyes really are bigger than your stomach, should you really be worried about finishing your meal?

When you purchase a sweater should you buy deodorant too?

If you break your 12 inch sub, can you take it to the foot doctor?

Is an Arnold Palmer a golf tea?

When you see a fork in the road, did the spoon and the knife take the paths on either side?

When aliens touchdown, will they go for the extra point?

If you run out of breath while putting your pants on, should that be called “panting?”

If you go to the mall and hop around very quietly while making your purchases, is that called “Shhhh hopping?”

Should spiders be credited with creating the first website?

If a Baker drops thirteen muffins on the floor, would that be called a “Bakers Doesn’t?”

If you lived a peaceful solitary life in the mountains meditating and eating nachos, would that make you a “chip monk?”

Should you be upset if a mime gives you the silent treatment?

If laughter is the best medicine where can I get a prescription?

Why didn’t the three little pigs just get brinks home security system?

How is it possible that Tom Cruise always completes these supposedly impossible missions?

Do these new hybrid sharks run on electricity?

When the chips are down should you just switch to pretzels?

Can you drink minute maid out of an hour glass?

How much man money can a duck fit in its bill fold?

If you fail to meet your obligations, should you reschedule the meeting?

If there is plenty of fish in the sea why is seafood so expensive?

If you leave a bread crumb trail, should you worry about the elderly stealing your bread crumbs to feed hungry ducks?

If you donate your pipe organ does that qualify you as being an organ donor?

Why is it that whenever someone spills the beans there is never any rice to go with it?

Is having the pick of the litter bad if you own a litter box?

Why is it that when something smells funny no one ever laughs?