That's Right Get It

Well it's too early to call yet but it would appear I have fallen behind in the Blogvember department. It's okay though I still have time to turn this boat around. On the way to the harbor I wanted to tell you about how for the last five days in a row I have gotten out of bed before six in the morning. You would not believe all the stuff you can get done in the morning. From bills to chores to laundry and floors, in the morning you can truly do it all. In a way its like adding an extra four hour block to your day that you otherwise would not have had. I am waking up early with an axe to grind. Kicking ass in the morning and kicking more ass in the evening. Not sure how long this little sleep schedule will last but in the meantime is suits me just fine. Also I wanted to bring up the notion that old people don't necessarily enjoy getting up early. I have come to believe that it is actually the fact that they physically cannot stay up late anymore that they just pass out and then by default just so happen to wake up early. I feel great but in some ways I feel like an old man. You guy's keep me young man. 

I offer these tips to getting up early. 

1. Go to bed early (millions of old people can't be wrong)

2. Get out of the house (you must transcend simply getting out of bed)

3. Workout outside in the freezing cold alone and with a vendetta (BallHard)

4. Drink a 20 oz columbian coffee a glass of chocolate milk a five hour energy and two bananas (The Dale Fanella Breakfast at 711) about $8.50 (That's Right Get It)

5. Take a hot shower and then turn it cold and then Get The Fuck Out! (Swedish)

Shnudweiser's and Bread

Seriously? How much fucking beef do we fucking need? I was at work the other day hauling beef with my friend Steve (who can lift a whole cow above his head) and we run out of room for beef storage. Steve looks over and says "HOW MUCH FUCKING BEEF DO WE NEED?" We both just start cracking up for like an hour. Then after that we had to wait forever for this bread delivery so we kept yelling "Hey! You Guys Need Any Fucking Bread?" We look like grownups but in reality we are just adult children. I am a 27 year old 8th grader. Anyway so at work we have this other thing where we at the syllable "shn" in place of the first syllable in a word. So "Coors" becomes "Shnoors" "Peter Francis Geraci" becomes "Shneter Shnancis Shnershnaci" I guess for longer words you add extra "shn" sounds for emphasis. My favorite thing to order at the bar lately is an ice cold "Shnudweiser" it's just so fun to say it with me now "Shnudweiser." I am deadly serious about actually buying a home brew kit and really making a beer called "Shnudweiser" Wouldn't that be hilarious? eh Whatever or something. So about half the time the bartender just smiles and brings back an ice cold Shnud but the other half of the time they just look at you all crazy and say "I'm sorry, did you say Sh Sh Shnudweiser?" I'm like "yes sir that's right "Shudweiser." Then there is this long pause before I have to actually drop the whole fun "Shn" sound game and spell it out for the guy "Just get me a fucking Budweiser!" Work is really fun. 

Bulls are Back (In my life)

I have been watching the Bulls again. I know everyone will say I am a fair weather fan but this is not the case. I didn't have cable this year and have only seen games that are publicly displayed in local pubs and eatery's. I am very impressed by how much ass they seem to kick even without D Rose. I saw Kirk Heinrich crossing up Steve Nash the other night and had to feel bad about how I was pissed when I found out we had re acquired his talents. I thought his career was over. Sorry Kirk, I was wrong. So it looks like Kirk and Rose in the back court for the latter part of this season. Something tells me Nate Robinson will be coming off the bench. I would really like to go see the Bulls in person one of these days but it looks like I will have to wait until after I work the Chicago Auto Show for the second time. Then I will have the scratch to purchase some tickets (which will surely be overpriced.) So after the auto show keep a lookout for me on the jumbo tron or mega tron or giant light fixture screen thing at The UC. I have falling into a basketball depression following the bulls many playoff losses in recent years. Something tells me that this years squad is tired of losing and definitely has something to prove to the league. Go Bulls. Sorry I doubted you but I was mostly pissed about losing Omer Asik "The Turkish Hammer" and Scalabrini during the off season. Why? Why? Why? Oh brother. I have to go now. Its time for my nightly Jog through a high traffic area. Wish me luck. 

Working Title

Looking around online for acting work for most of the afternoon today. One of my many afternoons spent on a "Starbucks web session." I get such a kick out of calling it that. Looking for jobs is tedious and requires constant hydration and supervision. Many people fall victim to the dreaded online news sites that are just full of bullshit. I suppose you have to get your news somewhere but not me. I'm busy looking for acting gigs. Which is tough when there are so many babes at Starbucks. (How is a young man supposed to concentrate on a Starbucks web session when there are hot babes crawling all over the place. The entire Starbucks is being overtaken by the hottest girls on the planet. Oh please no don't get naked...not all of you. They are all getting naked and rubbing hot liquids all over each other. Oh Jeez the sounds of wet flesh slapping together the smells of passion in the air. It's too much. My web session is a very difficult and arduous one today. As it stands I have no idea how to do anything except for stare at all of the sexy smoking hot babes getting down and dirty here at Starbucks. What  a day. In other news I have recently started living in a military style barracks with several other men of varying age and ethnic background. We are an elite unit. We have been training for the winter games for weeks now and our preparation is nearly complete. We will have our vengeance and those who have crossed us will know the taste of our freshly cleaned boots. We woke up pretty early today and enjoyed a nice breakfast together. The braved the barren cold of the local park for some pt and eventually we found our way to this Starbucks for a nice web session which was ruined by the many many many drop dead gorgeous babes now getting full on hard core super porn style motherfuckers to the max. I think I have a coffee buzz. Oh shit. I have to go to work. Let me know if you have any acting work for me. Please. 

Poem about Kicking Ass

In the future or in the past the time we have just doesnt last
before your told before your asked life will kick you in the ass
it'll happen fast this kick to the ass so fast that you'll have time to pass
and time to frolic laugh and play to live again another day
but if you stay theres a chance you risk it
an ass gets kicked most every instant 
elder or infant it aint no different
the talentless and truly gifted
relentless bad ass kicking schindig 

BoomShakaLaka!

Mr. Drugs

Good Morning Class. Now that the Teacher's Strike has been settled I will be your teacher for the rest of the school year. My name..... is Mr. Drugs. It is pronounced "Droogs" not "Drugs" and as I see some of you snickering I already know that this is going to be and interesting year for this class. I wonder. By a show of hands, how many of you have prescriptions for Adderall. Okay. For all those of you who have prescriptions for Adderall, you may go to recess. All the rest of you will be going down to the nurses office where you are going to tell her that you are having concentration problems. 

Good Morning Class. You all look awake. Now that you all have your required prescriptions for Adderall it is time for you first assignment. I want you all to go home tonight and in the dark of night go into your bottle of Adderall and bring me five of them. Five Adderall from each of you placed in rows on my desk tomorrow morning or you will drop a whole grade level. 

Good Morning Class. Thank you for completing your assignment and to celebrate I am happy to announce that it is now time for your first spelling lesson The Word of the day is XANAX for your second assignment I want you all to go home tonight being extra careful that no one sees you go behind your mothers bathroom mirror and look for a bottle with today's spelling word XANAX written on it and bring the pills to my desk in the morning. Because you have all been so good about completing your adderall assignment I have decided that for the rest of the day we will be watching "Limitless" starring Bradley Cooper as a drug fueled entrepreneur. You don't have to take notes but try to notice the symbolism of how his drug is basically adderall. 

Good Morning Class. I am very pleased to see that you have all completed you second assignment congratulations. At this time I would like all of you to take out your iPhone I want you to text me photo each of your mothers in a bikini. Except for you Smitty, you don't have to complete this assignment in fact you can have extra credit for not doing it. But for the rest of you it is mandatory. The pictures are part of my notes for the upcoming parent teacher conferences. For those of you with large breasted mothers there will be a bonus. That is all for now.....

Class I have been nice to you so far but now I am starting to get angry. Last night I was in the middle of  a long work session that involved studying your mothers photos in my bedroom when Smitty whom I had specifically told not to send me any photo whatsoever decided to send me a photo of his mother who shall we say is quite...unsightly. My night was ruined and now as result you are going to have two assignments today. Tell Suri or write this down or whatever method of note taking works for you. 

Assignment 4: I want you to go into your fathers office and look inside his desk for white powder in some kind of container or bag. It will taste very bitter but don't have to much because it's only for grownups. 

Assignment 5: Visit your Grandfathers home and look next to his bed where there are sure to be a variety of pill bottles. Look among them and find toady's spelling word which is VIAGRA. They are for a friend a very old friend who needs them. they are not for me. Kindly Bring in about five pills each they are blue. 

 I have added an extra assignment because during lunch I was eating and the mere thought of Smitty's mothers unsightliness made me lose my appetite. 

Assignment 6: Tonight while your older brother is asleep go into his bedroom and look inside his dresser for a some green stuff in a plastic bag. It will smell very much like skunk but somehow more pleasant. Don't eat it unless you know the cooking process which will be covered in our cooking lesson later in the year. Bring the bags to me and place them on my desk tomorrow with along with the VIAGRA and The white stuff. 

I look forward to grading your work tomorrow. Because you have so much work to do tonight I am going to let you leave early. Smitty I want you to stay after class and text the word UNSIGHTLY to me one thousand time. 

Class Dismissed

(Despite Harsh Critizizm from the Parent Teacher Association Mr. Drugs went on to win the Teacher of the Year, the following year)

I Got The Bugers Burgers Burgers Burgers Burgers

Sunday afternoon sitting in the cool breeze eating an American burger. What could be better. I ate burgers everyday for one summer. I wish I had stats on my lifetime of burgers. Todays Burger was unique. I had been craving burgers all day and finally decided to make the dreaded burger walk. On the way I saw a Panera bread and I kind of wanted to get my soup on but it was all for not. I continued on my journey and eventually made contact with a burger retail outlet known as Five Guys Even though there was more than five guys running the place. I got the burgers burgers burgers burgers burgers burgers burgers burgers burgers burgers. I also got fries. Men's Health says that five guys meals are bad for you but I don't care because they taste good and Burgers are American. Now Every Sunday I go for a long adventure walk and treat myself to some good old American Cuisine. MMMM MMMM MMMMM so tasty. Hot Burgers and Fries Made To Order. I am not even getting paid for this. I just really like the burgers. Sometimes when I meet people for the first time I ask them "Excuse Me Do You Have Burgers?"