That's Right Get It

Well it's too early to call yet but it would appear I have fallen behind in the Blogvember department. It's okay though I still have time to turn this boat around. On the way to the harbor I wanted to tell you about how for the last five days in a row I have gotten out of bed before six in the morning. You would not believe all the stuff you can get done in the morning. From bills to chores to laundry and floors, in the morning you can truly do it all. In a way its like adding an extra four hour block to your day that you otherwise would not have had. I am waking up early with an axe to grind. Kicking ass in the morning and kicking more ass in the evening. Not sure how long this little sleep schedule will last but in the meantime is suits me just fine. Also I wanted to bring up the notion that old people don't necessarily enjoy getting up early. I have come to believe that it is actually the fact that they physically cannot stay up late anymore that they just pass out and then by default just so happen to wake up early. I feel great but in some ways I feel like an old man. You guy's keep me young man. 

I offer these tips to getting up early. 

1. Go to bed early (millions of old people can't be wrong)

2. Get out of the house (you must transcend simply getting out of bed)

3. Workout outside in the freezing cold alone and with a vendetta (BallHard)

4. Drink a 20 oz columbian coffee a glass of chocolate milk a five hour energy and two bananas (The Dale Fanella Breakfast at 711) about $8.50 (That's Right Get It)

5. Take a hot shower and then turn it cold and then Get The Fuck Out! (Swedish)

Desk Pains

No rest no stressing me I sit at my desk endlessly

Writing till my left hand bleeds but no reflex tendency

Then and now I plow and foul I howl and scowl then smoke a white owl

every now the then I have friends who pretend at the end they can bend

With two hands they wont lend send a chill down your spine

When I’m in the lime it’s a fine wine cuz it grows with time

I write till my left hand bleeds at my desk I never rest

I’m like a slob with a vest on my chest but I’m the best

In the worst way I’m constantly thirsty

I wish there were tits containing beer that could nurse me

Vanilla or Hershey but no controversy

A titties a titty so there is no worry

Sometimes I get blurry

Get down and get dirty

I think that its early but its clearly 1230

Can be so self serving its raw and unnerving

So cruel and deserving for the gruel they be serving

Is that Michael Irvin in cars see him swerving

Its magic like Irvin its tragic like working

He found a cure for aids I need a cure for jerking the monster is lurking

Just sneaking and stirring incurring the wrath

I need a bath and half plus a joke and laugh

The Eternal Question

the pain and the greed the need for green weed
so hungry and dazed if i ever get blazed
but to settle a score for once and for all
would you rather have weed or adderall
now weed indeed is off the wall
but what about the adderall 
it makes me want to clean and grind
so anxious i could lose my mind
but one for all the rest of time
to pop a pill or smoke a dime?
to rip a bong or snort a line?
but wait a minute kindly folks
Now Ive been known to tell some jokes
of prescription pills and taking tokes
now what if it was all a hoax
that there is only one
when there is two theres twice to do
both weed and adderrall for you 
so you can balance out the hits 
with crushing up and taking sniffs
each one is yours these treasured gifts
now have a beer and take some sips

America

Mr. Drugs

Good Morning Class. Now that the Teacher's Strike has been settled I will be your teacher for the rest of the school year. My name..... is Mr. Drugs. It is pronounced "Droogs" not "Drugs" and as I see some of you snickering I already know that this is going to be and interesting year for this class. I wonder. By a show of hands, how many of you have prescriptions for Adderall. Okay. For all those of you who have prescriptions for Adderall, you may go to recess. All the rest of you will be going down to the nurses office where you are going to tell her that you are having concentration problems. 

Good Morning Class. You all look awake. Now that you all have your required prescriptions for Adderall it is time for you first assignment. I want you all to go home tonight and in the dark of night go into your bottle of Adderall and bring me five of them. Five Adderall from each of you placed in rows on my desk tomorrow morning or you will drop a whole grade level. 

Good Morning Class. Thank you for completing your assignment and to celebrate I am happy to announce that it is now time for your first spelling lesson The Word of the day is XANAX for your second assignment I want you all to go home tonight being extra careful that no one sees you go behind your mothers bathroom mirror and look for a bottle with today's spelling word XANAX written on it and bring the pills to my desk in the morning. Because you have all been so good about completing your adderall assignment I have decided that for the rest of the day we will be watching "Limitless" starring Bradley Cooper as a drug fueled entrepreneur. You don't have to take notes but try to notice the symbolism of how his drug is basically adderall. 

Good Morning Class. I am very pleased to see that you have all completed you second assignment congratulations. At this time I would like all of you to take out your iPhone I want you to text me photo each of your mothers in a bikini. Except for you Smitty, you don't have to complete this assignment in fact you can have extra credit for not doing it. But for the rest of you it is mandatory. The pictures are part of my notes for the upcoming parent teacher conferences. For those of you with large breasted mothers there will be a bonus. That is all for now.....

Class I have been nice to you so far but now I am starting to get angry. Last night I was in the middle of  a long work session that involved studying your mothers photos in my bedroom when Smitty whom I had specifically told not to send me any photo whatsoever decided to send me a photo of his mother who shall we say is quite...unsightly. My night was ruined and now as result you are going to have two assignments today. Tell Suri or write this down or whatever method of note taking works for you. 

Assignment 4: I want you to go into your fathers office and look inside his desk for white powder in some kind of container or bag. It will taste very bitter but don't have to much because it's only for grownups. 

Assignment 5: Visit your Grandfathers home and look next to his bed where there are sure to be a variety of pill bottles. Look among them and find toady's spelling word which is VIAGRA. They are for a friend a very old friend who needs them. they are not for me. Kindly Bring in about five pills each they are blue. 

 I have added an extra assignment because during lunch I was eating and the mere thought of Smitty's mothers unsightliness made me lose my appetite. 

Assignment 6: Tonight while your older brother is asleep go into his bedroom and look inside his dresser for a some green stuff in a plastic bag. It will smell very much like skunk but somehow more pleasant. Don't eat it unless you know the cooking process which will be covered in our cooking lesson later in the year. Bring the bags to me and place them on my desk tomorrow with along with the VIAGRA and The white stuff. 

I look forward to grading your work tomorrow. Because you have so much work to do tonight I am going to let you leave early. Smitty I want you to stay after class and text the word UNSIGHTLY to me one thousand time. 

Class Dismissed

(Despite Harsh Critizizm from the Parent Teacher Association Mr. Drugs went on to win the Teacher of the Year, the following year)

Big Flats Be True To Yourself

A few months ago some guests and I donned costumes in preparation for the delicate art of advertising.  You see we wanted to make a short commercial for one of our favorite cheap beers, perhaps even the greatest of all cheap beers. It's called Big Flats. Its brewed by Walgreen's I guess. The Best part is that it only costs $2.99 for a whole six pack. We bought like twenty six six packs. and then went to work on the filming of our commercial. It went great with the help of some friends but tragedy struck when I accidentally deleted all of our priceless footage. Unfortunately I have to report that the footage is lost forever. But in its stead we ended up recording a much shittier version of the original commercial idea. In the version you will see below it should be quite apparent to you that our entire cast and crew is inebriated to the point of no return. Please Drink Responsibly and enjoy the Show.

We are in no way affiliated with Big Flats in any official sense. It's just cheap beer for guys with no money looking to party. 

The Joking Type

When I was a young boy, I used to eat chicken nuggets

But Now I put away them young boy ways

Now I'm living like a grown boy

Now I"m eating on the Buffalo Chicken Wings

Wings so good

come on baby eating wings so good

sometimes grub don't feel like it should

wings so good.

This is just a joke..

This whole post.

I feel that we are all entitled to have a little fun every once in awhile right

otherwise what is the point? Not having fun is for losers.

oh oh oh oh Jackie Bleu

Jackie Bleu Cheese lives her life in a low fat style

at the top of the Buffalo Chicken Pile

oh oh oh oh oh Jackie Bleu

The cheese is smelly and so are you

I mean its really all about the money but it is important to have fun at least once every few years to keep the moral up. Good Moral is a very undervalued natural resource. We could all use a little boost in moral

Adult Malehood

“Man strength” is a term my friends and I came up with when we were about 13 to describe why an adult male (such as the school janitor) could kick our butts even though he was no bigger than us .