Funky Drummer Son

Waiting alone at the train station the other night there was this old stuttering guy who kept staggering around and acting like a dumb ass. So I decided to leave because my night was ruined. I went walking around aimlessly for a long while searching for meaning, for purpose, for a thrill. I came upon an old underground juke joint that had all these dancers and real big shot types. There were also a few questionable street toughs sitting along the bar. I played some pool and bought a cigarette  from the bathroom attendant. Walking alone again I felt like one of the dogs from that movie with the voices of Robert Redford, Michael J. Fox and Rosie O'Donnell I believe they were called Shadow, Chance, and Sassy. What wonderful names. Far from home or some shit. Then I went to the all night burrito place to calm my nerves. This table of nerds was arguing the fate of the universe and then this girl sat down and very enthusiastically ordered some Chorizo. She was Beautiful. Blond and voluptuous, I was instantly attracted. I approached shyly and asked her to go on a date. She was excited. I was nervous but it did not show. I felt really confident and cool. Like those movie guys. Harrison Ford and shit. What's up ladies? I am here to ask you not to harass you. If you know what is up then you know I am talking to the Chorizo girl. 

The Rooftop Exit Guard

From Demonic Recession comes Economic Possesion
Pro Choice no Progression Having Less is the Lesson 
i'm a teacher no freshman put you to the test then
go stay at the west into go get some rest in
I'm best in Dark Roles evil eyes and a nose
from open to close oh the life that I chose
put people in rows have em coming to my shows
so cold the mic froze frost bite on my toes
ball just like d rose adidas on my clothes
watch your tongue and your sole try on my shoes 
so you know just how my life goes
and then i saw benny running with the bulls
friends and them foes, enemies and them bro's 
empties and them full's, meet the miller's and the coor's
the path and the course, regret and remorse
the windows and the doors, yo Franky sing the chorus

I'm on the rooftop exit gaurd
Diner on the boulevard (Diner on Boulevard)
Young BallHard
Cuz I'm always Ballin Hard (Always Ballin Hard)

Whatever or Something

A very important message from the commander elite. The most extreme physical stages will be preceded by a mental stage a discombobulated stage and a stage set constructed by an organized team of lizard performers in full on silver costumes. First we will have a feast among the stars and the most glamorous planets. I'm so excited about it. In other news there will be a four am cook off in the underwater tank below the shed in my neighbors barn, don't forget to bring your toothbrush. Meanwhile across town Snake Sanders and his dirty henchmen were hiding out in an abandoned box factory. "What are we gonna do Snake?" "Shut up you Fuck" Snake Sanders was a man of few words. Previously on running pains. "ouch dude I have a cramp from running so much. " "oh that sucks dude, I'll tell my dad about it." In the last four months there have been approximately four former founding fantastic four members remembered by those who forgot and those who are still willing to forget. In a smoky bar in the scruffy outskirts of town Billy sat alone drinking a glass of straight scotch that somebody bought him as a gift. "Gee Thanks?" He wondered aloud, unsure if he was truly thankful. Hold on Steve, I gotta make an announcement. "Attention all employees anyone seen using a white mop on the wood floor will be swiftly sent home and possibly terminated. Kindly use the more advanced blue mops and you will remain long into the season. That is all." I think it went something like that but who's counting. If you all will join me in applause I would like to welcome the man the myth the leg end yes I do me the end of a leg and not a myth or legend. I mean a foot at the end or bottom of a persons leg. Get it Leg End. Ha (shoots self in head) ha. You ever just let it ride and not really censor any crazy shit. Why not? Fuck em.

Franky Diesel aka Mr. Chorizo

Who really knows where the red fern grows?
I won then I wondered for once I suppose

I went ear to ear smelling like a rose

lost by the eyes and won by a nose

I make fear afraid I scare the scarecrow's 
Fuck he who walks behind the rows
I suppose I could pose but don't tag me in that photo
I got that chicken and risotto but you already know though
Got my slinky and my yo yo and my twinky for the ho hos
I block shots like Hope Solo got my khakis and a polo
they call me senor solo on that Gracia's por todo 
hot chicks be like oh no, roll with samwise and that frodo
similar to Mr. Crackle everyday I'm Crackling 

Feels so good to be back again and cracking

And don't cut me slack cuz I'm never slacking

I'm Weed Whacking and Stacking also Bossin and Flossin

The U.S. is Awesome, Fuck those brothers from Boston

Quest Love

In the Night, Till the Dawn 
What the Fuck is Going On
Like a Swan you Can Change
Sometime Life ain't all That Strange
Through the Range, in the Grove
Down the Coast, along the Cove
I row and Rove all across the Globe
Rearrange your Mold In the Cut or the fold
In the gutter and hold you gotta grow like the Mold Be Bold
Fortuitous Bitches Think It's Fun to have Riches
Succumb to Sex and you Bet You'll have Dishes
Successfulness only comes with stress
To be the best you gotta beat the rest 
Don't just beat your chest go achieve your quest

That's Right Get It

Well it's too early to call yet but it would appear I have fallen behind in the Blogvember department. It's okay though I still have time to turn this boat around. On the way to the harbor I wanted to tell you about how for the last five days in a row I have gotten out of bed before six in the morning. You would not believe all the stuff you can get done in the morning. From bills to chores to laundry and floors, in the morning you can truly do it all. In a way its like adding an extra four hour block to your day that you otherwise would not have had. I am waking up early with an axe to grind. Kicking ass in the morning and kicking more ass in the evening. Not sure how long this little sleep schedule will last but in the meantime is suits me just fine. Also I wanted to bring up the notion that old people don't necessarily enjoy getting up early. I have come to believe that it is actually the fact that they physically cannot stay up late anymore that they just pass out and then by default just so happen to wake up early. I feel great but in some ways I feel like an old man. You guy's keep me young man. 

I offer these tips to getting up early. 

1. Go to bed early (millions of old people can't be wrong)

2. Get out of the house (you must transcend simply getting out of bed)

3. Workout outside in the freezing cold alone and with a vendetta (BallHard)

4. Drink a 20 oz columbian coffee a glass of chocolate milk a five hour energy and two bananas (The Dale Fanella Breakfast at 711) about $8.50 (That's Right Get It)

5. Take a hot shower and then turn it cold and then Get The Fuck Out! (Swedish)

Inside the Struggling Actor's Studio

I know it's late but let's spend the night together. It is at times like these where I grow confused. Not able to sleep, not really awake, it's like what the fuck am I doing. Things are especially weird today because some worker dudes are coming over at 8 in the morning to replace my entire bathroom which has not been renovated since about 1902. Unbelievable I know. So my first thought is should I go to sleep now and just see what happens when I wake up or should I stay up writing for a long while? Not sure exactly but seems like the words are flowing at a decent rate so for now let's keep this party going. A paragraph is just a party of letters and words. I cannot remember the last time I remembered a dream. How about you? In other news I sit here and take stock of the things that I have.... To Be Honest... I am truly happy with my life. I almost seem to have found everything I have ever wanted. It's time to move forward and create new challenges and break new plateau's. Exciting things on the horizon for your pal Dale. Tomorrow night on of the short film's I had the pleasure of starring in over the past year "She Loves Me Not" will be screening at the Indie Incubator Film Festival held at 26 west Division in the heart of Chicago's GoldCoast at the original Mother's. Seeing as how I found out about this just last night I am pretty excited. I have never viewed the film in a room full of strangers and I would love to see peoples reactions. It's crazy to think that just a year ago I was working on "SLMN" with my pals from Versa Independent Productions and I was all like "oh how exciting I have a role." Where as now I have a full roles I'm working on and I can feel improvement in my performances. I have done my share of bad projects over the year but in reality you have to make mistakes to keep the ball rolling. I almost prefer the phrase "keep the ball bouncing" as I am an avid basketball fan but whatever "keep the ball rolling" really rolls off the tongue a lot better. Now the question becomes "What is gonna be the breakout role?" Something tells me I may need to get away from the independent film world and really begin to pursue agencies. I need representation. The talent is there. This weekend I am playing this really great boyfriend named...well actually I probably can't say too much about it yet but I think this is gonna be one of the best roles yet. I am very happy with life. Let's see what other post's we can whip up tonight. BTW here is a link to "She Loves Me Not." 

Tats for Tits

I hum and I stroll I Pass through the toll 
I play all the roles OH MY GOD It's the Trolls 
I sea like the gulls scoring goals like the pro's 
Yes i suppose not frosty but froze 
I burn like your nose put them lines in a row
Come back like the crow so happy I grow
How else would you know? This ain't a fashion show
Gadget lets go go, go go gadget so retro did a show at the metro
But people came to see Jethro and some artists from death row
But I'm hell no, Let's go Living in Chicago
Ya ll know about them bourbon boys
Making that suburban noise

Day and NIght

Isn't it great how when it gets cold the things we do indoors suddenly seem more enjoyable. I'm listening to my roommate playing records in the other room and I can see him bobbing his head and getting all into the rhythm with his limbs. Meanwhile I'm at my desk typing away even though I'm supposed to leave for work any minute. I hate working at night but something about it is so cool and mysterious to me. For five long years I worked the graveyard shift and lived in a fantasy world of vampires and back alley wine bags. You have know idea what is going on in this city. I feel like I deserve an honorary masters degree in youtube film studies. Night and day, Day and night, one is bright and sweet delight, the other is gloom except for the moon, but both have a place in my heart. 

Blogvember Continues...

The Bread Song

Can i have some bread please
Do you have oil and Parmesan cheese
On rolls with the butter to give your buns a squeeze
Like bread i get baked cuz i'm frank deez
Make the bread take the bread getting head late in bed

Wake and Bake and Breaking Bread and Making Breaded Steak Again
I throw the bread but only for the ducks
You want some bread, well i don't give a fuck
American Keg Men we roll with the bread man
Gave bread to a dead man put bread in a bed pan
Breaded Breakfast in Bed I got the mother fucking Bread

Be Like A Plant

I can't believe November is here already. It seems like just yesterday I was out in Muncie, IN filming "She Loves Me Not" my first lead in a short film. I guess what I consider funny is that at that time I felt so unsure of where I was going and what I was doing with my life. I am still not entirely sure but I have a much better idea than before. I know I am strong enough for whatever may stand in my way. I have decided to let you guys in. To let you get close to me, or another way to put would be to say that from now on I will be more revealing regarding my feelings. Also my run on sentences and constant disregard for punctuation and grammar. (sorry Mrs. Willy) I'm working to get paid and getting paid to work. What could be better. I have a ton of ideas, a little money in my pocket and a few friends to get me high. I love my life. When I was in middle school I had a paper route. One day when I was making my deliveries I began to wish that I could assume the identity of other boys at my school. I couldn't skate board or draw, the girls didn't like me, I wasn't good at sports. I had no sense of self. I suppose I ran to comedy as a means of coping. If everyone is laughing at you they don't really have a chance to find extra stuff to make fun of you about. I made an ass of myself a lot. I still do, but it's different now. Now I am self assured. That night making the deliveries if a magic genie had come down and said "Would you like to trade lives with another boy?" I probably would have said yes. It took me a little while to realize but It eventually became apparent to me that I already was better than those other guys. Its almost like your a television and you have control of your own settings but you just don't know it. You see others who can be really loud and bright but most people are not in touch with how to control themselves. You just have to find what you like to do. What you are good at. What get's a reaction from others. What makes you feel good. Oh God. This starting to remind me of a blog I wrote awhile back called "Become What You Are" it also reminds me of another one I wrote even more recently called "Do The Things That Make You Great" I'm pretty big on self motivation. I feel like most people live life like an animal. They have a healthy young life then they get old and die after a few winters. I am like a plant. I grow stronger and stronger every year. My connection to the earth grows deeper and my reach toward the sky becomes greater. My heart beats like a drum. I am on the up ramp to the stars. Follow your dreams kids. 

P.S.
Sorry today I just felt like writing some self absorbed bull shit. 

Seasonal Depression

Hello Everyone. It's that time of year again. It's getting colder, the leaves are falling off the trees. The days have gotten shorter and the nights have gotten longer and lonelier than ever. Sometime on those late nights I sit alone and feel the blues. Maybe you yourself have experienced symptoms of Seasonal Depression. I recommend the following. 

1. Get Up Early, sleeping in all day is depressing enough as it is.

2. Eat Dark Chocolate, It fights unseasonal depression so it must work

3. Work out, get that blood flowing, bonus for working out in the elements. Far more bad ass

4. Practice Smiling, I notice that when I smile consciously I actually become happier. Just Fake It. 

5. Bossing and Flossing, Take command of situations and Floss often for that little extra effort. Boom. 

6. Watch a Game and Drink Some Beer With your Friends. Enough Said. 

7. Find away to grill outside. Something about Fire, Meat, Cold, equals Awesome. Primal Urges. 

8. Plowing and Chowing. No you sick fucks. It's about plowing driveways and chowing on biscuits and gravy. I don't know what you were thinking?

9. Watch the Departed once a month for all of November. Trust me it's Feckin Hilarious after awhile. 

10. Go around to bar's and try to act like staff Sargent Dignam It's really funny.

11. Take a tour of a brewery. I remember my first beer. 

Dream LIfe

If life is a dream, I'm awake for the first time

At night the moon gleams, I sit and sip wine 

The sun comes up, I expect to grind it out 

Expressions espresso and the express route 

Especially effortless, F the world no doubt 

So much for clout but what about the Benjamin's 

If you wanna eat out go to fucking Bennigans

Throw out, enough of these shenanigans 

I'll find a good one, every now and then 

I'm living on a cloud, I'm never comin down again

I felt, I could of been a better friend

In hell, you gotta be the better man

Hope I get well, sicker than Ive ever been

Exhale, smoke, sit down grab a pen

I don't know, it just started happening

I'm on a role lights camera ac-tion 

The End

Blogvember 

In the Biz

In the biz, the glam and the glitz

Crack like the Ritz my shit is the Twix

Sicker than sick quicker than quick 

Fucking your chick she's loving the dick 

she's a good girl I'm Robbin it Thicke

kick a the drum a run of the mill 

She's tasting the pillow I'm taking a pill 

stay in and chill and lay really still 

Jonah  and the whale Jonah the Hill

bill in the mail from a male named bill 

he's going to jail where he will be killed

all because he had stolen a grill 

an empty stomach he wanted to fill

laying it down and signing his will 

this goes out to mail man bill

I run in the house to clean some things 

just like a puppet with fancy stings 

I run and I laugh and I dance and sing

saving my money for everything

BLOGVEMBER 

Warehouse Factories.

The Other Day when I was walking home I saw this group of tribal dancers performing a ceremony nearby. These dancers peaked my interest and I decided to stay and take a look. The dancers all wore beach attire as if this was florida or some shit. I'm like yo it's fucking freezing out here what the fuck is ya'll doin? They ignored my calls and continued with the task at hand. One by one they flowed around in a big human chain looking like a giant awkward humanipede (human plus centipede) rather than the term human centipede which means something entirely different and opposite of what I mean. Oh shit, I've gotten off track again. The dancers broke up the chain and began buzzing around on their own like moths near a flame. The fire seemed to grow bigger and brighter until finally I jumped over the fence with a can of gas I had acquired from a nearby gas station. Upon reaching the fire I poured gas everywhere and burned the dance floor down. Once everyone was gone I began to perform my own dance. Just me and my bag of bones under the stars with smoke rising out of the ground. I danced and jumped with great delight until the wee hours of the morn. It was then that the tribal dancers came back with a bunch of broken bottles and threw many shards of glass at me without my consent. I ran away and managed to spend the night in a abandoned warehouse factory. And yes I mean a factory where they make outhouses. Blogvember Continues. 

Irritating Poem

Eternal Atomic Apocalypse 

Frank Deez on the mic theres no stoppin this

urban gotham metropolis

fuck zack galafuckanus

ive seen the rain down in africas 

yall don't know about my sacrifice 

like to act out but not an activist 

nuclear thermal attack we come back to this

i don't give a fuck if your cat can piss

as long as your buttons hit your fingertips

sierra mist on your tits lemon lime spritz on your clits

oh 

let me get the oven mitts

Blogvember Continues. 

That Shark Can Suck My Balls

Blogvember continues today with a brand new edition. 

It was a bright morning on the sunny beach. Allen and Pamela were walking along the waterfront throwing stones and talking about dogs. "Oh Allen I love dog's so much!" "yea I know." Allen replied. Just then a medium sized dog seemed to just walk out of the water and shake itself off. "Hey look at that dog" The dog pranced around and licked its own balls for a good five to ten minutes before wandering over to Allen and Pamela. Pamela started getting all friendly with the dog and was like letting it lick her face after it had already licked it's own balls. So Allen being the jealous type got all pissed off and was like "Fuck You" so he started trying to lick his own balls. After several hours of trying to suck his own balls, Allen finally gave up. By this time Pamela and the dog had left together in Allen's sleek sports car with all the cool secret compartments and shit. Allen had an idea of how maybe, just maybe someone might suck his balls. He dove into the water and began to swim with all of his strength. Allen took a very deep breath and started his descent. After swimming for what seemed like forever Allen was greeted by a shark face to face. Allen was calm. The Shark circled Allen a few times giving him a hard glance. Allen didn't flinch and soon the shark sensing no fear swam away into the depths. Allen was out of air and needed to get the surface but he had gone too far. Allen sensing his imminent demise had a flood of thoughts regarding his life and times. He thought about the beach and Pamela, his sports car, the dog, his own balls, and finally his showdown with the shark. He recalled how he had been unafraid in that moment and considered this the bravest act of his whole life. Like on another level and shit. As this realization hit him he became truly happy with himself and his life. Just then a really busty and hot mermaid with a nice fin swam up to give Allen some much needed air. She took Allen by the hand and led him to the busty mermaid city where he was sure to have his balls sucked in an underwater setting for all of time. The End. 

Blogvember

A lot of people think that I forgot but I would never leave you guys. I mean come on. It's Blogvember, it's that special time of the year where your old pal Dale sits down at his desk in his crazy fun house room of pictures and decides to tell some stories. How about it? Okay well then let's get started. It was  a late night and I was deranged out of my gourd with a full head of booms, onsie sauce and a variety of spirits. I was approached by a group of floating lobsters each one bigger than the next. They began to click their tongs in unison and I started to worry. Quickly I found a large pot of boiling water and I dove inside hoping they would follow. Much to my dismay they did not fall for my trap and I was left horribly scalded and had to endure a short stay at Illinois Masonic Medical center. However Late one night at the hospital the lobsters returned for a western style showdown in the hallway. I was out manned and outgunned. Just then the elevator doors burst open and "The Gunwerk" boys emerged. 
Now the lobsters had finally met their match. Who are the gunwerk boys? Just some guys I work with who move a lot of shit and clean shit but they all love to work hard and drink beer and drink nutrie and refer to their arms as guns. Anyway the gunwerk boys and I kicked the living shit out of the lobsters and then quickly found a humongous pot of boiling water and tossed the overgrown lobsters inside. That night we ordered pizza and drank beer to commemorate our victory. although i was very badly burned i showed the lobsters a thing or two about gunwerk. Blog Responsibly 

Fun in the Sun Poem

Because I like to run 
I like having fun
To the occasion I rise like the sun
I'm still number one
I still get it done
I got pizza sauce all on my thumb
I still threw a plumb 
I knew it was dumb
I poured some bleach on a hot dog bun
I went through a ton 
Then I chewed some gum
Torpase and now my bodies numb
breaks to the left breaks to the right
break it down with Frank Deez Tonight!

Oh Yeah

Wild and Free

So much to do to touch and see

The way to live is wild and free

Be you or me who you can be

Open your eyes and finally see

I was watching "Dawn of the Dead 2004" last night and I was thinking about how when they are all trapped in the mall and the zombies keep rolling up with more peeps but the people inside the mall are all walking around using products and fucking around with shit kind of awaiting there eventual demise at the hands of the zombie hordes is kinda like us in real life. It's like the world is our mall with the zombies outside, you can do whatever you want but eventually you will be eaten by zombies. The zombies will eat your brains and your nose...in fact they would probably eat my balls if they had the chance. Anyway what I'm saying is that for all of us our time on earth is pretty limited and we mine as well get wild and be free spirited. In other zombie news I was also thinking about how maybe being a zombie would be kinda cool too because the zombie party don't stop. But then again they don't even really party they just eat people. I guess zombies are like really sloppy and vampires are more classy. I like how the guy that wrote "The Monster Mash claims that it would be all jolly and festive if the The Mummy and Dracula The Wolfman etc... rolled up to a party together. It would not be a good time, it would be a god forsaken bloodbath. It would be like the end of "Cabin in the Woods 2012." what the fuck is this guy talkin? I gotta go pick up some bacon and some bread for BLT Fridays. If you come by on Saturday its steak torta night. On Sundays we usually watch the game and eat wings. On Mondays its half price beers so your losing money if your not drinking. Then on Tuesdays $5 you call its. But if you come in on Wednesday I'll punch ya in the damn face!

Do The Things That Make You Great

Been thinking a lot lately about where life is going. Somebody told me that when your young you have health and time but no money, In middle age you have money and health but you have no time, finally when you are old you have lost your health but have plenty of time and money. What is worth the most to you? I woke up early this morning about 5AM and felt the need to go outside. 

I went out to the patio in the back of my apartment and laid on the cold concrete in the light of the sun watching a few morning clouds pass by. A bit cliche I guess but the neighbors probably thought it was funny.  Eventually I got up and decided not to go back to sleep but to actually put some hours into my real life. Because when I was down there on the ground I could feel the world on my back. I could see infinitely into the sky. The whole Health, Money, Time thing is wrong in my opinion you can have all three. In fact you already do because they are all actually the same thing, they are manifestations of your energy. 

The people you meet live on in your heart forever for your heart is your soul 

The question is who does your energy belong to? Don't let it fall into the wrong hands. My advice is to spend your time wisely and spend it on the only person that really matters in this life, yourself. I'm not saying be selfish I'm just saying that you need to make yourself a priority and stop letting other people control your life. It's yours go out and get it. I'm saying this as much to myself right now as I am to you. 

This is our wake up call. Stop talking about it and start doing it. Be ambitious. Think of failure as an achievement. Spend your time cultivating the skills and crafts that make you the best you. "Simply the best... Better than all the rest." When it's all said and done you want to be able to look back on your life and know that you did the best you could. I have been looking for inspiration and today I literally found it on the ground. You never know where opportunities will present themselves. Stay thirsty my friends. 

That's The Way Uh Huh Uh Huh I Like It

That's the way uh huh uh huh I like it. I have had that song in my head all day. Kind of taking a much needed day off to catch up on the finer things in life. went to the basketball court today and kicked every ones ass. My game has never been better. It only took about 8 years to learn the fucking sport. I'm literally listening to That's the way Uh Huh Uh Huh I like it on repeat over and over again for an indefinite period of undetermined time. but that's the way i like it. Who knows what the rest of tonight holds for our heroes but we will see what adventure awaits. 

My friend who is going through a break up called me and said that his girlfriend had sent him a text saying that she hated him and was over him and blah blah blah fucking blah blah blah blahbibitty blah blah blah blah. Anyway I told him to send her "That's The Way Uh Huh Uh Huh I Like It." It worked like a charm. do do do do do do do do do. 

Claude...

Me as Claude

This is neither fact nor fiction. This is only a story about Claude. 

Claude only had one Cigarette left and he was saving it for a special occasion. It had been five days now with no drugs and no booze. Claude was beginning to suffer. When will the madness end for our dear friend Claude? He hasn't seen his family or any friends for about three years now and he really doesn't give a shit. "Fuck Them" he thinks while walking through a field of tall wet grass late at night. "Who needs all that fucking bullshit." Claude never had time for any bullshit. 

If you offended him or said something wrong he would wait until you weren't paying attention and then poof he would vanish into thin air. Since he had no money this strategy also worked well as Claude would leave said offender to foot the bill for whatever coffee and wrap Claude had ordered. Claude never spoke much but since he left all those people behind he never spoke at all, to anyone, ever. 

After finding a soft patch to sleep on Claude called it a night. The next morning Claude was attacked and savagely mauled by a group of raccoons who had been following him for sometime. In need of medical attention Claude crawled to the side of the road. A truck driver threw an empty bottle at Claude knocking him unconscious. When Claude awoke it was night time again and he could see the beady little eyes of the raccoons as they watched him from the tall grass. They made raccoon sounds and did intimidating raccoon customs and stuff. Claude wasn't afraid. 

It just so happened that at that very instant another truck driver (this one with a kind heart) decided to pick up Claude and bring him to the hospital. Along the way the trucker told Claude about all his adventures across the highways of America. Claude nodded in silence. At one point the trucker asked Claude to hand him an aspirin from the glove box.

 Claude reached into the glove box and grabbed the bottle but that's when he saw the truckers stash of weed and caffeine pills. Without a second thought Claude began furiously eating the pills and was attempting to create a smoking apparatus using a pop can when the trucker punched Claude in the neck. He then kicked Claude out of the truck and drove off into the sunrise. 

"Ahh Shit I almost had weed..." Claude thought. "Oh shit I think I have rabies...and maybe also fleas" "Dammit" "Fuck!" "Ahh Shit" Claude got up and with his shirt wrapped around his head like a turban he walked for sometime amazed at how well he was doing despite no food, water, medical attention, or money. 

After several hours of walking Claude finally reached a truck stop oasis. It was here that Claude found the kind hearted trucker sleeping in his cab. Claude stole all of the guys drugs and left a nice note regarding how much the guys stories sucked ass. By hitching a ride from an old lady and her dog Claude finally made it to a hospital. Sitting in the waiting room the old lady did all the talking for him. A nurse approached and put a name tag on his jacket that said "Hello My Name is Claude." 

Upon leaving the hospital Claude hugged the old woman and gave the little dog a scratch behind the ear. As he set off on the road again Claude decided that he would continue wearing his name tag until the day he could finally smoke his last cigarette. "But When" He thought "When will this day come?"... 

After several days of walking and sleeping outside Claude was standing by the side of the road with his thumb out when he saw a car in the distance.... To Be Continued. 

Shnudweiser's and Bread

Seriously? How much fucking beef do we fucking need? I was at work the other day hauling beef with my friend Steve (who can lift a whole cow above his head) and we run out of room for beef storage. Steve looks over and says "HOW MUCH FUCKING BEEF DO WE NEED?" We both just start cracking up for like an hour. Then after that we had to wait forever for this bread delivery so we kept yelling "Hey! You Guys Need Any Fucking Bread?" We look like grownups but in reality we are just adult children. I am a 27 year old 8th grader. Anyway so at work we have this other thing where we at the syllable "shn" in place of the first syllable in a word. So "Coors" becomes "Shnoors" "Peter Francis Geraci" becomes "Shneter Shnancis Shnershnaci" I guess for longer words you add extra "shn" sounds for emphasis. My favorite thing to order at the bar lately is an ice cold "Shnudweiser" it's just so fun to say it with me now "Shnudweiser." I am deadly serious about actually buying a home brew kit and really making a beer called "Shnudweiser" Wouldn't that be hilarious? eh Whatever or something. So about half the time the bartender just smiles and brings back an ice cold Shnud but the other half of the time they just look at you all crazy and say "I'm sorry, did you say Sh Sh Shnudweiser?" I'm like "yes sir that's right "Shudweiser." Then there is this long pause before I have to actually drop the whole fun "Shn" sound game and spell it out for the guy "Just get me a fucking Budweiser!" Work is really fun. 

Spring is in the Air

It feels so good to be back outside running around and having fun with my friends. It's finally spring again. I think that spring is highly under appreciated as a season. Summer gets to much credit. Although Chicago Summers are really great. What am I trying to say? Not sure really. Its so damn nice out I can hardly even stand sitting here at this god forsaken desk writing to you about this bull shit. I'm not angry or anything I just want to emphasize how unbelievably fucking nice it is outside right now! Right Here Right Now. Having fun again and making it look cool too. Oh yeah, Nobodies gonna bring me down. Sailing on Sailing on. Just Sailing on. Anyway Yesterday was pretty cool I got a ride out to the southwest suburbs where I recorded some voice overs for this animated feature about elves. I based the voice on this guy I know named Bradley who works at this bar called "The Store" It's a really great five a.m. shit hole. Well I caught a train back to the city and watched the Bulls in Triple OT through the window of the sport clips on Fullerton with about five other random guys. What a game, Nate Robinson had the game of his life. I went to the courts near my apartment and played prison ball for about two hours until a fight broke out because some guy blew a kiss at another guy. The game was ruined. I went home and drank brews for awhile catching up on mad men which is starting to suck or maybe it always sucked and I just didn't realize until now. Some really drunk dudes came over and we drank more brews and we recorded this video

After that we went out to that really great 5 a.m. shit hole I was talking about earlier "The Store" When we got there my brother ran into that fucking kid Eduardo so we had to tell him that he can go fucking suck his own fucking balls. 

Kegs Equal American Muscle

The Most Interesting Bar Back in the World has been gaining wide recognition for his charitable keg room donations and pub safety training. Along with his side kick "The Most Interesting Sidekick in the World and a whole staff of other characters "The Most Interesting Bar Back in the World is in for another season on the brink. 

Today I present the videos from our first home stand. You can view other information on the most interesting bar back in the world, the most interesting sidekick in the world and the keg men of America in one of my other posts called "The Ten Keg Commandments" As each home stand comes and goes I will post the videos from said home stand. Enjoy and please haul kegs responsibly. 

Its a mad mad mad mad mad world

Its a maddening maddening mad hatters mad hattering mad haters are chattering

the batter is battering all the stats are still staggering the badger was badgering unabashadley brandishing a badge from a bad German Sheppard black fur like a leopard without stripes and no checkers i was a wreck at the records i felt wretched in bed but it was all for the better

forever together in splendor where ever no wonder no never grow stronger go getter 

so weather the storm whether rich or in squalor from the top of the bucket to the bottomm of dollars to the loudest of whispers and softest of hollers. for the insomniac staying up four hundred hours

to the clean freak scrubbing dead skin in the showers 

the flesh eating disease it rips and devours 

but what about love and smelling the flowers. 

Hairstyles of the rich and homeless

I feel great. Even though I split the my eyebrow open the other night when I made the executive decision to headbutt some guy during a basketball game the other night. Even with this open wound on my face I was still able to make it out to McCormick place for the first time since I worked the auto show in February. It was my chance to learn about the competitive world of hair modeling. It went well. Its funny because you cant see what they are doing to you and you just see hair flying all over the place. I had done a hair modeling gig in the suburbs with my buddy Tanto a couple of years back 2007 I think. 
This one was for the American Beauty Show and was a lot more insane. The whole place (Mind you that McCormick place is big enough for dinosaurs to be playing full contact football) I went up there and it was crazy. A lot crazier than the auto show. I guess anytime you have that many people packed into a giant building. I just got a gig to doing voice overs for an independent animated feature film. All of my friends and family are doing well. People on facebook are all having great days. It's cold but spring is in the air. March 12th is going down in the books as a great day. I have been looking forward to more blogging now that the Internet gods have smiled kindly upon me. I have realized that the inter net is just a vehicle for your mind. its was keeping me up late the other night thinking that we all live in a giant building like McCormick place, like the Truman show. we are just cows feeding and biding our time. Is it all a game. Have I watched too many conspiracy videos to know whats real? Sitting here thinking about how the Internet is the matrix. The dream is real (the tag line from the inception promotional posters.) I feel good none the less. As I was saying the whole world is changing and moving forward. People are getting connected new friends are everywhere. Take advantage of every opportunity. seize the day. You are always becoming better or worse, decide which one you prefer. Best

-Von Deez

Nothing Important or Anything.

Don't forget to brush three times a day. Brushing three times a day is what got me where I am today. I'm so happy that it is March 1st 2013. Outside traffic is groaning and whizzing by, I'm sitting here eating fried rice and sipping green tea. Green is March. I had an early start today to get out on the highway. I was looking for adventure. Although when you don't have a car the highway is not so exciting and maybe somewhat terrifying. I went back to my dungeon quarters and sulked in shadow for five minutes. I then left to buy Gatorade (which always makes me remember the old commercial for gator golf..."gator golf you give it a whack gator golf he gives it right back gator golf what could be greater than golf with a gator" I bet Chubbs from Happy Gilmore would not endorse gator golf. Sad what happened to Chubbs. But meanwhile the traffic outside has slowed and now all these weird people are just sitting in their cars looking like idiots. I laugh at them. Ha ha ha ha to bad they will never know. I wonder how many people think I am a complete jackass. Those people in the cars would probably laugh at me if they had the chance. It's a good thing they are already gone. It's a beautiful world full of highly competitive stupid people. Good Luck. Regards Franky Z'zzzzzz

Higher Ground

I recently decided that I much prefer the Red Hot Chili Peppers rendition of "Higher Ground" to the original version performed by Mr. Stevey Wonder. Something about the bass and drums really does it for me. Stevey's version is very very good but I am gonna have to stick with The Chili Peppers. The lyrics of the song are so uplifting but I don't have them memorized like I do with most songs I like, with this one I prefer to just hum along with the melody and imitate the vowel sounds. As I mentioned previously in a post called "Music Addiction" there is a cycle of musical addiction that I experience after discovering or rediscovering a good song. The song seems to have taken over the last two days so far. I am playing on YouTube repeatedly and jamming out excessively. "Higher Ground" is used a lot in movies as a inspirational soundtrack device. In "The Pursuit of Happyness" starring Will Smith the Stevey Wonder version is used and works well. The Red Hot Chili Pepper's version of "Higher Ground" is used to great effect in the responsibility montage in the Jason Bateman, Ryan Reynolds vehicle "The Change Up." I have decided that if you put this song on and just sit at a computer typing, it makes you look really productive. It sure as hell feels productive to me. In closing I am gearing up to work at the 2013 Chicago Auto Show where I will likely be standing for most of the day listening to this song all day in full mental clarity. Bloggers, Keep On Blogging!

Bulls are Back (In my life)

I have been watching the Bulls again. I know everyone will say I am a fair weather fan but this is not the case. I didn't have cable this year and have only seen games that are publicly displayed in local pubs and eatery's. I am very impressed by how much ass they seem to kick even without D Rose. I saw Kirk Heinrich crossing up Steve Nash the other night and had to feel bad about how I was pissed when I found out we had re acquired his talents. I thought his career was over. Sorry Kirk, I was wrong. So it looks like Kirk and Rose in the back court for the latter part of this season. Something tells me Nate Robinson will be coming off the bench. I would really like to go see the Bulls in person one of these days but it looks like I will have to wait until after I work the Chicago Auto Show for the second time. Then I will have the scratch to purchase some tickets (which will surely be overpriced.) So after the auto show keep a lookout for me on the jumbo tron or mega tron or giant light fixture screen thing at The UC. I have falling into a basketball depression following the bulls many playoff losses in recent years. Something tells me that this years squad is tired of losing and definitely has something to prove to the league. Go Bulls. Sorry I doubted you but I was mostly pissed about losing Omer Asik "The Turkish Hammer" and Scalabrini during the off season. Why? Why? Why? Oh brother. I have to go now. Its time for my nightly Jog through a high traffic area. Wish me luck. 

The Real Rarities

Today's Presentation of 1000 ways to blog is all about fresh fruits. Today we only feature the real rarities Oranges Pineapples and Lemons. Right now I have a can of pineapple slices sitting on top of a stack of DVDs on my desk. Lately my new thing is to take a cup of hot water and squeeze lemon juice into it. It is a very nice drink that soothes my voice after a whole night of screaming profanities in the dark. I really like to buy that mixed variety of orange pineapple juice made by The DOLE canned fruit company, nothing hits the spot quite like it. Its all I need to put a spring in my step and a smirk on my ugly mug. It was  a quiet morning full of jumping jacks and high knees, part of a new fitness routine that relies on footwork instead of heavy lifting. Watch out because this summer no basketball court is safe from the power and fury of Air Frank. Its gonna be a long day. Had some coffee with my Brother Dane and to conclude our nutritious breakfast course we celebrated with a shot of straight up pineapple juice. I called this blog "The Real Rarities" because its a quote from "Schindler's List" which I watched recently for the first time. Not only is the film a masterpiece but there is this great scene where Schindler is telling these guys what he wants to put in these gift baskets for Nazi Officers. Now first of all Nazi's can Fuck themselves. Second of all what I think is cool about the scene is that it lets you know what kind of food and beverages were considered luxurious at that time. For example he asks them for Cuban cigars, Hennesy, A chunk of chocolate as big as a mans hand that you would sample at wine tastings, "and who could live without German Cigarettes." In addition to these other goods he also orders Dom Perignon and Fresh Fruit "The Real Rarities Oranges, Lemons, and Pineapples." It was a really great movie.