That Shark Can Suck My Balls

Blogvember continues today with a brand new edition. 

It was a bright morning on the sunny beach. Allen and Pamela were walking along the waterfront throwing stones and talking about dogs. "Oh Allen I love dog's so much!" "yea I know." Allen replied. Just then a medium sized dog seemed to just walk out of the water and shake itself off. "Hey look at that dog" The dog pranced around and licked its own balls for a good five to ten minutes before wandering over to Allen and Pamela. Pamela started getting all friendly with the dog and was like letting it lick her face after it had already licked it's own balls. So Allen being the jealous type got all pissed off and was like "Fuck You" so he started trying to lick his own balls. After several hours of trying to suck his own balls, Allen finally gave up. By this time Pamela and the dog had left together in Allen's sleek sports car with all the cool secret compartments and shit. Allen had an idea of how maybe, just maybe someone might suck his balls. He dove into the water and began to swim with all of his strength. Allen took a very deep breath and started his descent. After swimming for what seemed like forever Allen was greeted by a shark face to face. Allen was calm. The Shark circled Allen a few times giving him a hard glance. Allen didn't flinch and soon the shark sensing no fear swam away into the depths. Allen was out of air and needed to get the surface but he had gone too far. Allen sensing his imminent demise had a flood of thoughts regarding his life and times. He thought about the beach and Pamela, his sports car, the dog, his own balls, and finally his showdown with the shark. He recalled how he had been unafraid in that moment and considered this the bravest act of his whole life. Like on another level and shit. As this realization hit him he became truly happy with himself and his life. Just then a really busty and hot mermaid with a nice fin swam up to give Allen some much needed air. She took Allen by the hand and led him to the busty mermaid city where he was sure to have his balls sucked in an underwater setting for all of time. The End. 

The Clean Teens

My Friends and I used to hold an annual carwash to benefit ourselves. It was a wonderful time to be a teenager. There were six of us Bill, Brad, Bryan, Todd and Tim. We called ourselves the "The Clean Teens." 
  People in our town would pull up with frowns and pull out with a clean car and a smile. Seeing them smile made me feel a genuine sense of happiness and accomplishment. We spent all day in the sun with the radio turned all the way up. To me it seems like "Just What I Needed" By The Cars was the only song that was ever playing. Whenever I hear that song it brings me back to those long, hot, summer days full of laughter and hosing down cars with the guys. 
We probably should have been trying to score with the girls but with a nickname like "The Clean Teens" none of them wanted to talk to us. It was cool though we had other stuff to do like go to the auto zone and pick up new soaps and scrub brushes for our annual car wash. Another funny thing is that it was always called the Annual Car Wash even though it lasted the whole length of the summer. 
Hahaha. 

We sure used to have us a good laugh about that. "First annual, second annual how many more would there be?

We made it all the way to the fourth annual when tragedy struck. Bill and Brad got dropped off by Bryan's Mom at the usual gas station. But Todd and Tim were getting a ride from Todd's Grandpa who has a hard time driving as it is but things got worse when he had a hard attack and swerved into oncoming traffic. They were hit head on Killing Todd and His Grandpa and sending Tim to the Hospital for the rest of his life. I suppose it was the saddest day of my life. It ended our annual car wash business for good and slowly we went our separate ways.
 Bill and Brad moved to Denver and cooked up a really great recipe for Green Chili that they ended up selling to a chain restaurant. Bryan moved to Ohio with a girl he fell in love with. I stayed here and opened my own gas station called "The Cleaning Station" and guess what? It has a car wash. 

Every couple of months I go to visit Tim at the Hospital. He's in a vegetative state but I still talk to him. I tell him about the other guys and how things are going for me. I hope he can hear me. It breaks my heart to see my friend this way. He was so strong and it was all taken away for no reason. 
Pulling out of the hospital parking lot I turn on the radio to take my mind off things. But it's no use.  I'm about halfway home driving the old Lot we used to hold our annual car wash at. When Suddenly "Just what I Needed" starts to play and it gets me. I turn onto my street as the song finishes and slowly, silently I begin to cry.
 When I get out of the car I stare up at the moon and stars.  Closing my sad eyes I can remember the last time we were all together at the carwash for the last time. I see all of us laughing after Tim and Todd poured a whole bucket of suds on Brad's sister Stacy. 
 A broad smile seems to banish all feelings of sorrow. As if there is nothing else but the memories of better times. I have to hold onto them. 
Because it is the best days that make the worst days tolerable. Before going inside I speak out loud to Todd hoping that he can hear me. I tell him how much I miss him and how I hope his grandpa is doing alright up there. I wait a little while hoping for a response.  
I'm about to call it a night and as I open the door I hear it. Very softly as if floating on the easy wind I hear it. Almost a faint whisper that most people would miss. It's Todds voice "Clean Teens...Forever."

Pizza Monster Poem Part One

The sun came out and the moon set in

the alarm went off let the day begin

let the coffee brew and the shower steam

five more minutes to sleep and dream

but watch those minutes 

they sure add up

Have a bagel fill your cup

Read the Times and find your way

Be at work or play today is the day

The forest hum the ocean spray

the icy mist the sunny ray

the way we make the hours pass 

Infinite wisdom at our grasp 

father time is old and wise 

mother earth nurtures young vines

so drink the wines and clean the scrapes 

finish the paper review the tapes

take all the things you took for granted 

the overstated the understanded

the upper graded and under handed 

i read a pamphlet about the planet 

Going Green?  or Going Hamlet?

Going Hamlet I must say sir

Hamlet Going as it were

where is it here that fear we must

of gooey cheese and crunchy crust

tomato chunkage such a must

the pizza monster is after us.

Watch out because I will undoubtedly continue the story of the pizza monster and believe me when I tell you that it is going to be down right hilarious. 

Watch out for the Evil Pizza Monster

Laced Coffee Poem

One day I saw a sign 

"What kinda sign did you see?"

A giant billboard that said "(watch out for the laced coffee?)"

I blinked my eyes twice cuz I thought it said "Iced"

I sat there all day and long into the night

so deep were my thoughts i had a case of the thinks

it made me wanna stop for some food and some drinks 

the diner in flux with plate clanks and glass clinks  

I sat at a table unassuming, 

except for the other three people who sneered

back, back, back, they say while pushing me out of the way

But stay, stay, stay, I say I am the wart that wont go away 

even later in life when your old and your grey all the way to the end I'll be here to stay

so they left and I sat there got coffee and snacks like soup of the day and these new deli wraps

slaps on the table laughter rumbles like thunder i stare at my coffee and i started to wonder

now was it the smell or was it the taste one thing was for sure the coffee was laced

I paced to the bathroom to look in the mirror the sounds on my face i started to hear

strange prose from my nose bold lies from my eyes surprised by the highs that laced coffee provides

I Met Joe Black