I love to read cuz it is fun

I love to read cuz it is fun

I read books to everyone

Stay up all night with a real page turner

Sci Fi fantasy mystery murder

Self help how to poetry bios

Graphic novel newspaper secret files

Magazine innards off the press from the printer

Cook books on the stove serve them for dinner

How to be a winner for beginners and novices

Lists about making better lists at offices

Happily ever after dystopian Apocalypse

Digest the reader and close the cover on politics

Stick my nose in a book toucan said to follow it

Check it out free or pay a lot at the colleges

Sit around a lot with a book in my gaze

How I love to read let me count the ways

One I read a book in the tub

Two I read a book in the club

Three I read a book on a date

Four I read a book in a crate

Five I read a book in a fight

Six I book a room and a flight

READ 

READ AGAIN

READ 

READ MY FRIEND

READ

CUZ IT IS FUN

READ TO EVERYONE

I prefer to shower after I read.

A book I recieved from a dear friend. 

Laced Coffee Poem

One day I saw a sign 

"What kinda sign did you see?"

A giant billboard that said "(watch out for the laced coffee?)"

I blinked my eyes twice cuz I thought it said "Iced"

I sat there all day and long into the night

so deep were my thoughts i had a case of the thinks

it made me wanna stop for some food and some drinks 

the diner in flux with plate clanks and glass clinks  

I sat at a table unassuming, 

except for the other three people who sneered

back, back, back, they say while pushing me out of the way

But stay, stay, stay, I say I am the wart that wont go away 

even later in life when your old and your grey all the way to the end I'll be here to stay

so they left and I sat there got coffee and snacks like soup of the day and these new deli wraps

slaps on the table laughter rumbles like thunder i stare at my coffee and i started to wonder

now was it the smell or was it the taste one thing was for sure the coffee was laced

I paced to the bathroom to look in the mirror the sounds on my face i started to hear

strange prose from my nose bold lies from my eyes surprised by the highs that laced coffee provides

I Met Joe Black

Fat Tire Please

The Suburban Invaders and I performed a show at The Redline Tap in Ravenswood on Sunday night. This is a unrehearsed improv moment from the show where we happened to be taking a little to long between songs and I simply tell the audience about this empty fat tire keg I brought with as a prop. Our new Drummer Rod was using it as part of his drum kit. I have been using the keg at home as part of my "No Exceptions, No Excuses" workout plan. After I simply point out the keg to the crowd, the whole band seems to jump on board and a whole ridiculous song about fat tire just seems to flow out of us. Just so you know, for all of the verses in the song I am impersonating this really great guy named Harry Fridas who often said "Fat Tire Please" and would always demand Fat Tire after doing odd jobs at work like mopping the whole floor or checking people in at the door. Last year Harry was deported back to Sydney Austrailia where there is no Fat Tire. Someday when I have more of a following, I plan on having an event called "Harry's Wild Show" where we would be the musical entertainment alongside some sketch and stand up comedy. The proceeds from the event would all go toward purchasing and exporting a whole Keg of Fat Tire to Harry who is currently living in Sydney. Harry If your reading this, I miss you man. I hope you like the song.

Any Questions?

Can I Ask You A Few Questions?

If life is a marathon when do we get time to train for it?

Is throwing an apple through a window considered a technological breakthrough?

What does the late bird get to eat?

Should the bottom of the ocean have a wet floor sign?

Are stinky feet the original stocking stuffer?

If you stood taller than everyone else, would they all understand you?

If Cows could prescribe prescription medication to people. Would they work at a Farmacy?

If you write a Slogan on a baseball and throw it through the window of an advertising firm, is that a good pitch?

In anger management is there an assistant manager?

Is trick or treat a trick question?

If a broken clock is right twice a day, how many times is it wrong?

Should the punishment for breaking and entering be

fixing and leaving?

How do you talk about a code of silence?

Can a nose run a marathon? If it won, would they say it won by a nose?

If a witch makes a mistake is it considered misspelling?

Do stars take meteor showers and wear asteroid belts?

In the gaming world, is it good to be considered “all thumbs?”

If a group of vegans sit at a table is it considered a vegetable?

Is procrastinating at the top of your to do list?

When humpty dumpty fell, why did everyone try to put him back together when they could have just had a good breakfast?

If a pilot forgets to zip up his pants, is he then traveling in a no fly zone?

If you play golf while handcuffed is it called, Cuff links?

If you throw toxic sludge on a lamp, is that light pollution?

If you fall down in an elevator while it’s going up, do you break even?

If you clean your meat, is that a polish sausage?

If an elf was crowned king, would he be called Elfvis?

When you meet your obligations, is it polite to introduce yourself?

If you write something while sitting down, is it possible to stand by your word?

When your car breaks down should you take it to see a shrink?

If you construct a life boat out of soda cans, might it be called a root beer float?

Do you need rolling papers for smoked sausage?

Why do most shallow people have deep seeded issues?

Is slowly eating fast food considered, wasting your time?

If you straighten and shuffle papers for thirty minutes can you then say that you spent a half hour jogging?

Is a locomotive a train or a crazy idea?

If I wanted to call myself to talk about personal matters, should I get an I-Phone?

What is the difference between staying up too early and going to bed too late?

How many rooms are in a house of cards?

How many hands does it take to hold a grudge?

In theatre classes, are students encouraged to “act up?”

When you meet your doom, should you bring an introductory gift?

Is there any strength in letters?

How come there are never any beds in restrooms?

If you’re unsure about how to change your morning routine, should you just sleep on it?

If you bring a fishing pole on an airplane, might you be….fly fishing?

If someone loses a hotdog should you check your buns accordingly?

If you pack a fanny pack, is it then called a “fanny packed?”

If you get a hangnail on a cliff, is it considered a cliffhanger?

If you are hard of hearing does that mean you prefer easy listening?

If Darth Vader is on your Elevator is it then considered an Elevader?

What exactly is phony bologna? And is it FDA approved?

How much sleep constitutes a little rest?

Do pigs bring home the most bacon?

If your eyes really are bigger than your stomach, should you really be worried about finishing your meal?

When you purchase a sweater should you buy deodorant too?

If you break your 12 inch sub, can you take it to the foot doctor?

Is an Arnold Palmer a golf tea?

When you see a fork in the road, did the spoon and the knife take the paths on either side?

When aliens touchdown, will they go for the extra point?

If you run out of breath while putting your pants on, should that be called “panting?”

If you go to the mall and hop around very quietly while making your purchases, is that called “Shhhh hopping?”

Should spiders be credited with creating the first website?

If a Baker drops thirteen muffins on the floor, would that be called a “Bakers Doesn’t?”

If you lived a peaceful solitary life in the mountains meditating and eating nachos, would that make you a “chip monk?”

Should you be upset if a mime gives you the silent treatment?

If laughter is the best medicine where can I get a prescription?

Why didn’t the three little pigs just get brinks home security system?

How is it possible that Tom Cruise always completes these supposedly impossible missions?

Do these new hybrid sharks run on electricity?

When the chips are down should you just switch to pretzels?

Can you drink minute maid out of an hour glass?

How much man money can a duck fit in its bill fold?

If you fail to meet your obligations, should you reschedule the meeting?

If there is plenty of fish in the sea why is seafood so expensive?

If you leave a bread crumb trail, should you worry about the elderly stealing your bread crumbs to feed hungry ducks?

If you donate your pipe organ does that qualify you as being an organ donor?

Why is it that whenever someone spills the beans there is never any rice to go with it?

Is having the pick of the litter bad if you own a litter box?

Why is it that when something smells funny no one ever laughs?

Maximum Pain

I started posting videos on you tube to promote my comedic talents to a broader audience. There is no real plan here. Simply throwing stuff out there to try and attract a following of people who like to watch weird people act weird. This video is me poking fun of Max Pain, Preparation H, and the acting style used in most pain medication commercials. Hope you like. Gotta go there is a re run of Married with Children on and there are a lot of babes looking hot and I can no longer concentrate on the task at hand. Good day to you all.  

Customer Service

Waiter: "Hi. How can I help you sir?"

Customer: "I Want a reservation for a delivery"

Waiter: "Okay I can accommodate that for you Sir"

Customer: "I Want to pay for it using a coupon that expired a long time ago."

Waiter: "No Problem Sir What would you like to order?"

Customer: "I Want A Cheeseburger with NO CHEESE and I want Ketchup with NO FRIES."

Waiter: "Anything else Sir?"

Customer: "Yes I also want the soup of the day from tomorrow."

Waiter: "Okay one soup, would you like some complimentary bread, Perhaps for dipping?"

Customer: "Yes I would like some stale bread with fresh mold. "

Waiter: "For Dessert May I recommend A scoop of our delicious coffee flavored ice cream?"

Customer: "Actually I would like a cup of vanilla flavored coffee instead and could I also get a melted Popsicle?"

Waiter: "Yes sir. Will you be paying with cash or credit?"

Customer: "No." 

The End

Random Nice People Rule

Sometimes the random people you meet on the street, at the bar, or visiting local landmarks are the high lite of your whole day.  For Example I was out for a well deserved beer and this random guy told me he liked my coat (little did he know I had stolen it during a bar fight several years ago and have since been afraid of someone calling me out on it.)