Dinosaur DNA

It's been awhile since my last post. I apologize for that. But be assured that I am back and ready to play a little catch up. Here's something weird you can read on the shitter. 

 

Good Evening Ladies and Gentlemen. My name is Sherlock Homeless. Tonight's presentation of Illegal Aliens Vs Sexual Predators is being interrupted by an important announcement from the Food Department Administration "Attention all carnivores, there has been a recent discovery of over 7420 tons of hot dogs, hamburgers, Italian style beef particles, sausages, meatballs, chicken breast, bratwurst and of course hog snouts of various size and density. All of the meat has been genetically altered and scientifically engineered using only the highest quality dinosaur DNA purchased for nominal charges on the black market in Thailand. The meat is then submerged in a vat of human fluids gathered from local bars, homeless shelters and port o johns. At this point the meat is soaked within a tub of chemicals and left to marinate for over three days in my basement. When the employees and scientists bring the meet into the kitchen it is layed upon the main prep table and tenderized in a large group frenzy in which all of the employees slap their genitals against the meat until it achieves optimal tenderness. Afterward several lumberjacks and chainsaw wielding maniacs chop and trim the meat into a gnarled bleeding pile of tissue. We then inject the meat with performance enhancing drugs and a extra large double mega frappaccino with little to no foam and a straw. While the meat is left to cook in the microwave for nearly four hours of slow roasted richness. We begin to prepare our side dishes. Three eggs placed inside a sweaty tube sock dunked inside a small bucket containing diced tomatoes and tuna fish matter. The bucket is to be swirled  for about ten minutes in a circular hula motion before pouring the contents into a dog bowl garnished with a real large dutch pretzel made of sourdough and sea salt. Serve the entire dish on a breakfast in bed style platter and proceed to watch Jurassic Park, Truly one of the greatest motion pictures of our time. God Bless America

A Whales Vagina

Me and My Friends. Haha yeah right.

Wednesday Wednesday Wonderful Wednesday I went outside to throw away some liquor bottles but the dumpster was missing, so instead I got a nice coffee buzz and listened to various 80s Jams. Sometimes when I get stuck with the writing it really helps to pull out something old that I havent read in awhile.  You know? Just reflect on something you already did and put yourself back in that same frame of mind. Some of the journal pages have spilled beer, tomato sauce, wierd stickers, toenail clippings  and crinkles that add character to the pages.  I love language. I wish I was bilingual, I only know bits and pieces of a few languages Spanish, Japanese, a little French.  I could never learn another language in school only by immersion and asking people annoying questions "how do say? how do you say? how do you say?"
With more lingual power i could climb the highest mountains and scour the dirtiest alleys searching for good conversation and company. Stay hungry and you will eat. By the way, last night I told these people about how if I was ever pursued by Renegade White Sharks I would find safety by hiding inside a whales vagina. Of course I realize that it would only be a matter of time before I was crushed to death by a giant whale penis. So I guess its not really a good plan. I have gone to the burrito place nearly five times this week. Is there any hope for our hero? Will one taco dinner ever be enough? Tune in next week for the exciting conclusion. 


Good Day to All

Random Nice People Rule

Sometimes the random people you meet on the street, at the bar, or visiting local landmarks are the high lite of your whole day.  For Example I was out for a well deserved beer and this random guy told me he liked my coat (little did he know I had stolen it during a bar fight several years ago and have since been afraid of someone calling me out on it.)

Homeless Traffic Director

 One day while walking down Armitage street near the Chicago Bagel Authority I saw a nice BMW SUV get into an accident with a standard yellow cab. The swanky SUV guy got out and looked at the damage to his car and started freaking out. The taxi driver just sat calmly in his cab as if not to notice the swanky guy screaming at his driver side window. It was funny that this guy was being so dramatic. In the meantime traffic has been building up the whole time both in front of and behind the SUV BMW and cab. This homeless guy who would always hang out among all the local eatery's, was sitting on a stoop at street level eating a sandwich and sunning himself when he noticed the many honks from the ever increasing traffic. I watched him stand up dust himself off and walk over to the street. I gasped as he raised one arm with an open palm as if to say "stop" and then waived his other hand as if to say "go." Signaling the cars on the opposite side to go through the only open lane. I kept laughing thinking that it was so funny that this guy felt like it was his job to direct traffic despite having no obligation to do so. Further more the people he was directing were actually complying and following his directions even though he had no real authority.  I must have laughed for a good ten or twenty minutes. It was actually kind of awesome. I wonder what happened when the cops came? What did they say to the SUV guy and the CAB guy and the NICE homeless man. The Homeless Traffic Director.

Beach Club Veggie Wrap

Order a Pickle

It was a clear black night a cool jeweled moon 

All the freaks hit the streets trying to consume

They need to feed before they pass out

I know just the place to go if they wanna max out

When the fridge is empty and the food is gone 

Everybody's on the street to get some Jimmy Johns 

If your really hungry and you need to eat 

You know whats up with Jimmy Johns subs so fast you'll Freak

Hey Joe

This is a Picture of Joe's Dad

Joe gets up early even though he is very tired and has a bad taste in his mouth from chewing beans all night. Joe doesn't have a toothbrush or toothpaste he just puts sugar in his mouth and smears it around with a spoon. Then he drinks a lot of water on his way to the health club.

After working out Joe sits in the sauna for a long time percolating. Finally Joe is ready to take on the day. Joe gives himself a big thumbs up in the mirror and says "I am Joe." Someone else in the locker room says "Hey Joe."

Some People Have Balls

It was nice outside today for November. I went to Wrightwood Park to shoot some hoops. I would give Wrightwood Park a 7 out of 10 on my Chicago Park District rating system. It has a gravel track, outdoor basketball courts, a playground , a small field house, and an outdoor pool.

Broken Wine Bottle at Walgreen's Poem

It’s sharp, razor sharp

Green and Shiny

Strewn about the ground

In a somewhat orderly fashion

Who could have created

Such a masterpiece