Pizza Monster Poem Part One

The sun came out and the moon set in

the alarm went off let the day begin

let the coffee brew and the shower steam

five more minutes to sleep and dream

but watch those minutes 

they sure add up

Have a bagel fill your cup

Read the Times and find your way

Be at work or play today is the day

The forest hum the ocean spray

the icy mist the sunny ray

the way we make the hours pass 

Infinite wisdom at our grasp 

father time is old and wise 

mother earth nurtures young vines

so drink the wines and clean the scrapes 

finish the paper review the tapes

take all the things you took for granted 

the overstated the understanded

the upper graded and under handed 

i read a pamphlet about the planet 

Going Green?  or Going Hamlet?

Going Hamlet I must say sir

Hamlet Going as it were

where is it here that fear we must

of gooey cheese and crunchy crust

tomato chunkage such a must

the pizza monster is after us.

Watch out because I will undoubtedly continue the story of the pizza monster and believe me when I tell you that it is going to be down right hilarious. 

Watch out for the Evil Pizza Monster

Graveyard Shift

I Have Been To The Mountaintop

Another late night for your pal Dale. Oh how I do love a good all nighter but I'm afraid the time has finally come for me to put a stop to this madness. You see for five long years now I have been working the graveyard shift here in FM world where I believe I have made the best of it. For what it's worth I stuck it out for a long time and tried hard to advance myself. During my time here I spent many many hours dedicated to study and self growth. I seriously feel like I have done so much studying here that by now I must have earned some kind of Special Edition Masters Degree. (Any Takers?) You might ask "What is the next step for my pal Dale?" Well to be honest my only real plan is to get out of here at the end of the night and as I walk outside breathe deeply while holding my hands high in the air before screaming for all to hear "I'm Back In The World!" It's like I've been trying to tell you guys. "You can't keep a good man down." Eight Days A Week by The Beatles is playing right now....what a good tune. That is one thing I am going to really miss about this gig.....the tunes. For about five years now they have felt like my tunes. This place has all the familiarity of home to me. Its a heavy feeling you know, leaving a place that feels like home for the last time. This will be an exciting new opportunity for growth and expansion. So glorious is the feeling of knowing that at least for the time being this is my last third shift for awhile. They call it the graveyard shift because the graveyard is where you are headed if you keep working one.  There is also this great short story by Stephen King (One of my Faves BTW) called "Graveyard Shift" about a awesome isolated small town textile mill that has become overrun by ravenous mutated rats/bats etc..... There is a movie adaption of this Epic short story which is also called "Graveyard Shift." I highly recommend watching as there are many scenes worth laughing at. I sure am gonna miss this place but on the flip side if I stay in this place any longer I sure am gonna miss out on a lot of chances for continued entertainment success. I guess I haven't written a post of this length since way back in November when I started this whole 1000waystoblog experiment. The experiment was to see if I could start a blog that didn't suck and sure as the sun rises this blog most definitely did not suck.  I cannot stress to you enough how important it is to me to never have to do another overnight shift. YAHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. I'm so Excited and I just can't hide it. and I know I know I know I know I know I want to. A few songs have gone by since "Eight Days a Week" Now Phil Collins "In the Air Tonight" rules the airwaves. Some of the best and most revealing moments I have ever had were right here behind the control board under the shadow of night and the in the solitude of my own company. It has been a most excellent journey. "and Ive been waiting for this moment for all my life" The journey is not over but just changing as things on this earth tend to. "I can feel it coming in the air tonight." This song rules. Makes me feel like a cinematic bad ass every time I walk around with it playing.  Let me know if you or anyone you know is looking for a hard working young Actor, Entertainer, Interesting Barback, Comedic Writer Etc.....See you in the World. 

The Joking Type

When I was a young boy, I used to eat chicken nuggets

But Now I put away them young boy ways

Now I'm living like a grown boy

Now I"m eating on the Buffalo Chicken Wings

Wings so good

come on baby eating wings so good

sometimes grub don't feel like it should

wings so good.

This is just a joke..

This whole post.

I feel that we are all entitled to have a little fun every once in awhile right

otherwise what is the point? Not having fun is for losers.

oh oh oh oh Jackie Bleu

Jackie Bleu Cheese lives her life in a low fat style

at the top of the Buffalo Chicken Pile

oh oh oh oh oh Jackie Bleu

The cheese is smelly and so are you

I mean its really all about the money but it is important to have fun at least once every few years to keep the moral up. Good Moral is a very undervalued natural resource. We could all use a little boost in moral

Cheery Point Part 1

I have a small role in an Independent film currently shooting on location in Kentucky. It's called "Cheery Point." Cheery Point takes place in an alternate future where the U.S. has been bombed and only sixteen states remain in the union. The story concerns the life of one man named Joshua Barrett who resides in the fictional town of Cheery Point. As a means of nullifying the mass amounts of panic and suffering the government issues a bill making it mandatory for all citizens to consume Torpase a fictional drug that renders the user completely void of any pain or emotion. Most Everyone in Cheery Point works for the T.D.D. The Torpase Distribution Division. Joshua's job is to take pictures of dead Springers (rebels who refuse Torpase and openly show emotion, an offense punishable by death. I play Sam the Torpase Delivery Man who is somewhat like a milkman or postman in his look and manner. Joshua is kidnapped by the leader of the Springers and there you have the beginnings of what will be an epic film due out this summer. Check out the site for Cheery Point. Here are some stills of me as Sam.

Please Help us finish this film by providing a charitable donation toward our cause. I am about to head down to Kentucky to finish our last week of filming. I will let you know how it goes. Wish me luck.

 

Laced Coffee Poem

One day I saw a sign 

"What kinda sign did you see?"

A giant billboard that said "(watch out for the laced coffee?)"

I blinked my eyes twice cuz I thought it said "Iced"

I sat there all day and long into the night

so deep were my thoughts i had a case of the thinks

it made me wanna stop for some food and some drinks 

the diner in flux with plate clanks and glass clinks  

I sat at a table unassuming, 

except for the other three people who sneered

back, back, back, they say while pushing me out of the way

But stay, stay, stay, I say I am the wart that wont go away 

even later in life when your old and your grey all the way to the end I'll be here to stay

so they left and I sat there got coffee and snacks like soup of the day and these new deli wraps

slaps on the table laughter rumbles like thunder i stare at my coffee and i started to wonder

now was it the smell or was it the taste one thing was for sure the coffee was laced

I paced to the bathroom to look in the mirror the sounds on my face i started to hear

strange prose from my nose bold lies from my eyes surprised by the highs that laced coffee provides

I Met Joe Black

Fat Tire Please

The Suburban Invaders and I performed a show at The Redline Tap in Ravenswood on Sunday night. This is a unrehearsed improv moment from the show where we happened to be taking a little to long between songs and I simply tell the audience about this empty fat tire keg I brought with as a prop. Our new Drummer Rod was using it as part of his drum kit. I have been using the keg at home as part of my "No Exceptions, No Excuses" workout plan. After I simply point out the keg to the crowd, the whole band seems to jump on board and a whole ridiculous song about fat tire just seems to flow out of us. Just so you know, for all of the verses in the song I am impersonating this really great guy named Harry Fridas who often said "Fat Tire Please" and would always demand Fat Tire after doing odd jobs at work like mopping the whole floor or checking people in at the door. Last year Harry was deported back to Sydney Austrailia where there is no Fat Tire. Someday when I have more of a following, I plan on having an event called "Harry's Wild Show" where we would be the musical entertainment alongside some sketch and stand up comedy. The proceeds from the event would all go toward purchasing and exporting a whole Keg of Fat Tire to Harry who is currently living in Sydney. Harry If your reading this, I miss you man. I hope you like the song.

Any Questions?

Can I Ask You A Few Questions?

If life is a marathon when do we get time to train for it?

Is throwing an apple through a window considered a technological breakthrough?

What does the late bird get to eat?

Should the bottom of the ocean have a wet floor sign?

Are stinky feet the original stocking stuffer?

If you stood taller than everyone else, would they all understand you?

If Cows could prescribe prescription medication to people. Would they work at a Farmacy?

If you write a Slogan on a baseball and throw it through the window of an advertising firm, is that a good pitch?

In anger management is there an assistant manager?

Is trick or treat a trick question?

If a broken clock is right twice a day, how many times is it wrong?

Should the punishment for breaking and entering be

fixing and leaving?

How do you talk about a code of silence?

Can a nose run a marathon? If it won, would they say it won by a nose?

If a witch makes a mistake is it considered misspelling?

Do stars take meteor showers and wear asteroid belts?

In the gaming world, is it good to be considered “all thumbs?”

If a group of vegans sit at a table is it considered a vegetable?

Is procrastinating at the top of your to do list?

When humpty dumpty fell, why did everyone try to put him back together when they could have just had a good breakfast?

If a pilot forgets to zip up his pants, is he then traveling in a no fly zone?

If you play golf while handcuffed is it called, Cuff links?

If you throw toxic sludge on a lamp, is that light pollution?

If you fall down in an elevator while it’s going up, do you break even?

If you clean your meat, is that a polish sausage?

If an elf was crowned king, would he be called Elfvis?

When you meet your obligations, is it polite to introduce yourself?

If you write something while sitting down, is it possible to stand by your word?

When your car breaks down should you take it to see a shrink?

If you construct a life boat out of soda cans, might it be called a root beer float?

Do you need rolling papers for smoked sausage?

Why do most shallow people have deep seeded issues?

Is slowly eating fast food considered, wasting your time?

If you straighten and shuffle papers for thirty minutes can you then say that you spent a half hour jogging?

Is a locomotive a train or a crazy idea?

If I wanted to call myself to talk about personal matters, should I get an I-Phone?

What is the difference between staying up too early and going to bed too late?

How many rooms are in a house of cards?

How many hands does it take to hold a grudge?

In theatre classes, are students encouraged to “act up?”

When you meet your doom, should you bring an introductory gift?

Is there any strength in letters?

How come there are never any beds in restrooms?

If you’re unsure about how to change your morning routine, should you just sleep on it?

If you bring a fishing pole on an airplane, might you be….fly fishing?

If someone loses a hotdog should you check your buns accordingly?

If you pack a fanny pack, is it then called a “fanny packed?”

If you get a hangnail on a cliff, is it considered a cliffhanger?

If you are hard of hearing does that mean you prefer easy listening?

If Darth Vader is on your Elevator is it then considered an Elevader?

What exactly is phony bologna? And is it FDA approved?

How much sleep constitutes a little rest?

Do pigs bring home the most bacon?

If your eyes really are bigger than your stomach, should you really be worried about finishing your meal?

When you purchase a sweater should you buy deodorant too?

If you break your 12 inch sub, can you take it to the foot doctor?

Is an Arnold Palmer a golf tea?

When you see a fork in the road, did the spoon and the knife take the paths on either side?

When aliens touchdown, will they go for the extra point?

If you run out of breath while putting your pants on, should that be called “panting?”

If you go to the mall and hop around very quietly while making your purchases, is that called “Shhhh hopping?”

Should spiders be credited with creating the first website?

If a Baker drops thirteen muffins on the floor, would that be called a “Bakers Doesn’t?”

If you lived a peaceful solitary life in the mountains meditating and eating nachos, would that make you a “chip monk?”

Should you be upset if a mime gives you the silent treatment?

If laughter is the best medicine where can I get a prescription?

Why didn’t the three little pigs just get brinks home security system?

How is it possible that Tom Cruise always completes these supposedly impossible missions?

Do these new hybrid sharks run on electricity?

When the chips are down should you just switch to pretzels?

Can you drink minute maid out of an hour glass?

How much man money can a duck fit in its bill fold?

If you fail to meet your obligations, should you reschedule the meeting?

If there is plenty of fish in the sea why is seafood so expensive?

If you leave a bread crumb trail, should you worry about the elderly stealing your bread crumbs to feed hungry ducks?

If you donate your pipe organ does that qualify you as being an organ donor?

Why is it that whenever someone spills the beans there is never any rice to go with it?

Is having the pick of the litter bad if you own a litter box?

Why is it that when something smells funny no one ever laughs?