Shnudweiser's and Bread

Seriously? How much fucking beef do we fucking need? I was at work the other day hauling beef with my friend Steve (who can lift a whole cow above his head) and we run out of room for beef storage. Steve looks over and says "HOW MUCH FUCKING BEEF DO WE NEED?" We both just start cracking up for like an hour. Then after that we had to wait forever for this bread delivery so we kept yelling "Hey! You Guys Need Any Fucking Bread?" We look like grownups but in reality we are just adult children. I am a 27 year old 8th grader. Anyway so at work we have this other thing where we at the syllable "shn" in place of the first syllable in a word. So "Coors" becomes "Shnoors" "Peter Francis Geraci" becomes "Shneter Shnancis Shnershnaci" I guess for longer words you add extra "shn" sounds for emphasis. My favorite thing to order at the bar lately is an ice cold "Shnudweiser" it's just so fun to say it with me now "Shnudweiser." I am deadly serious about actually buying a home brew kit and really making a beer called "Shnudweiser" Wouldn't that be hilarious? eh Whatever or something. So about half the time the bartender just smiles and brings back an ice cold Shnud but the other half of the time they just look at you all crazy and say "I'm sorry, did you say Sh Sh Shnudweiser?" I'm like "yes sir that's right "Shudweiser." Then there is this long pause before I have to actually drop the whole fun "Shn" sound game and spell it out for the guy "Just get me a fucking Budweiser!" Work is really fun. 

Deputy Hound Dog Mcgee skit

(A Kitchen)

Billy

Winter sucks, what’s the point of having a snow day if you cant go outside?

PETER

Yea but Billy, why don’t we just drink those cool looking soda cans in your Dads fridge?

BILLY

That’s not soda, that’s my Dads beer. I’ve never had beer before have you?

PETER

Yea uh I have I’ve drank beer plenty of times

BILLY

 (Opening the fridge)

 Let’s drink it before it drinks itself.

PETER

Beer! Billy! Lets drink some Beer!

BILLY

Dad doesn’t call them “Beers” he calls them “Brews”

PETER

(opens a can)

Cheers Billy my good man

(both drink)

BILLY and PETER

Awww gross. What the….ewww, this is disgusting how are we gonna finish these Brews, if they taste like warm piss?

BILLY

What the heck, I thought it was supposed to taste all good and sweet like Dad says?

PETER

(Pacing)

Yea uh I remember it tasting much better the last couple times, must be a bad batch. You think your Dad will notice the missing cans?

BILLY

(Scared)

Dad’s gonna kill me if he finds out we were drinking

PETER

Yeah, Especially if he finds out that we opened his brews and then didn’t like the way they tasted.  Can’t we just dump them down the sink?

BILLY

 ( Grabbing PETER)

No! No! No! We cannot waste Dad’s brews.  You know how he gets when I take stuff 

PETER

Like that white stuff we found in his desk?

BILLY

 (nodding)

That’s correct PETER.  But luckily I have a good idea to get us out of this mess

PETER

Your gonna drink them both yourself?

BILLY

 (Reaching for the phone)

No.  I’m gonna call someone who can. Deputy Hound Dog McGee

PETER

(shocked)

But Billy, you can’t call Deputy Hound Dog McGee? He’s crazy!

PETER

 (w/ phone to his ear)

Hello, Hi, Deputy Hound Dog McGee? You like beer right?  Good. Because I have some that I cant finish.  Are you busy right now?

(Peter Hangs up)

PETER

Yes! He said he’s on his way. 

BILLY

But isn’t Dad supposed to be home soon?

PETER

Oh No.  Your right.  Oh my god.  Hopefully Deputy Hound Dog McGee can bust his fat ass on the way over here.

(DEPUTY HOUND DOG MCGEE enters room visibly winded)

DEPUTY HOUND DOG MCGEE

(Panting)

…….Beer……….still……Here…..?

PETER

(setting the beer down in front of DEPUTY HOUND DOG MCGEE)

Yes sir here it is all two cans’ of the finest, freshest brew. 

(DEPUTY HOUND DOG MCGEE sizes up the cans with his eyes)

(PETER and BILLY exchange nervous glances)

DEPUTY HOUND DOG MCGEE

I’ll do it but if I do then you have to give me another beer for my trouble

PETER

 (Shocked)

Uhh uh um okay fine just drink the damn things. 

(DEPUTY HOUND DOG MCGEE begins chugging both cans)

PETER and PETER

Go, Go, Go, Go Go!

DEPUTY HOUND DOG MCGEE

(Belches)

Aww that was nothing you sissy’s.  Now go fetch me another beer

( puts his feet up on the table)

PETER

(Angry)

Just because you drank our Dad’s brew doesn’t mean you get to act like our Dad

Deputy Hound Dog McGee

(slightly Slurring)

Ssshutup, and get me another boy or I’ll wupp you good.  I’m gonna get drunk this afternoon.

(BILLY looks at PETER)

PETER

(Arms crossed)

Deputy Hound Dog McGee? Whats it like?

Deputy Hound Dog McGee

Wwwwhats? What? Like?

Peter

Ya know? Being Drunk

Deputy Hound Dog McGee

How the hell should I know I cant get drunk with only two beers.  I need more. 

PETER

Do you think you will be after three?

Deputy Hound Dog McGee

I’m gettin there, now will you just keep the Brews coming?

Peter

(Opening the fridge)

Sure, Sure, we can give you some more Brews but you have to make sure that you can drink them. 

Deputy Hound Dog McGee

(Reaches for a Beer)

Yeah, I never met a beer I couldn’t drink

PETER

Well at least we wont get in trouble when…………….

(Dad Enters, Looking Angry)

Dad

(Sits Down looks at Deputy Hound Dog McGee)

Now I don’t wanna have to hurt ya son so be honest………Were you planning on drinking my brew?

Deputy Hound Dog McGee

(Petrified)

N N N NO sir I don ‘t drink beer I was just sitting here and Peter was Drinking them. 

PETER

(Hands up)

No way.  Dad I didn’t do it.  He’s Lying Smell his breath

PETER

Deputy Hound Dog McGee drank two beers and said he was going to get drunk. 

(All look at Deputy Hound Dog McGee)

(Deputy Hound Dog McGee Belches)

(All look at Dad)

Dad

Ahahaha You dumb son of a bitch that ain't real brew that’s non alcoholic.  This boy wasn’t going to get Drunk. 

Peter

But he was slurring Dad?

(All look at Deputy Hound Dog McGee)

Dad

That’s because your friend is damn stupid boy. 

Deputy Hound Dog McGee

(Grabs Beer from PETER)

I wasn’t gonna drink it I don’t even want it, look I’ll dump it down the sink.

(Reaches for sink)

 PETER

NOOOOOOOO!!!!!

(Dad Lunges)

Mr. Drugs

Good Morning Class. Now that the Teacher's Strike has been settled I will be your teacher for the rest of the school year. My name..... is Mr. Drugs. It is pronounced "Droogs" not "Drugs" and as I see some of you snickering I already know that this is going to be and interesting year for this class. I wonder. By a show of hands, how many of you have prescriptions for Adderall. Okay. For all those of you who have prescriptions for Adderall, you may go to recess. All the rest of you will be going down to the nurses office where you are going to tell her that you are having concentration problems. 

Good Morning Class. You all look awake. Now that you all have your required prescriptions for Adderall it is time for you first assignment. I want you all to go home tonight and in the dark of night go into your bottle of Adderall and bring me five of them. Five Adderall from each of you placed in rows on my desk tomorrow morning or you will drop a whole grade level. 

Good Morning Class. Thank you for completing your assignment and to celebrate I am happy to announce that it is now time for your first spelling lesson The Word of the day is XANAX for your second assignment I want you all to go home tonight being extra careful that no one sees you go behind your mothers bathroom mirror and look for a bottle with today's spelling word XANAX written on it and bring the pills to my desk in the morning. Because you have all been so good about completing your adderall assignment I have decided that for the rest of the day we will be watching "Limitless" starring Bradley Cooper as a drug fueled entrepreneur. You don't have to take notes but try to notice the symbolism of how his drug is basically adderall. 

Good Morning Class. I am very pleased to see that you have all completed you second assignment congratulations. At this time I would like all of you to take out your iPhone I want you to text me photo each of your mothers in a bikini. Except for you Smitty, you don't have to complete this assignment in fact you can have extra credit for not doing it. But for the rest of you it is mandatory. The pictures are part of my notes for the upcoming parent teacher conferences. For those of you with large breasted mothers there will be a bonus. That is all for now.....

Class I have been nice to you so far but now I am starting to get angry. Last night I was in the middle of  a long work session that involved studying your mothers photos in my bedroom when Smitty whom I had specifically told not to send me any photo whatsoever decided to send me a photo of his mother who shall we say is quite...unsightly. My night was ruined and now as result you are going to have two assignments today. Tell Suri or write this down or whatever method of note taking works for you. 

Assignment 4: I want you to go into your fathers office and look inside his desk for white powder in some kind of container or bag. It will taste very bitter but don't have to much because it's only for grownups. 

Assignment 5: Visit your Grandfathers home and look next to his bed where there are sure to be a variety of pill bottles. Look among them and find toady's spelling word which is VIAGRA. They are for a friend a very old friend who needs them. they are not for me. Kindly Bring in about five pills each they are blue. 

 I have added an extra assignment because during lunch I was eating and the mere thought of Smitty's mothers unsightliness made me lose my appetite. 

Assignment 6: Tonight while your older brother is asleep go into his bedroom and look inside his dresser for a some green stuff in a plastic bag. It will smell very much like skunk but somehow more pleasant. Don't eat it unless you know the cooking process which will be covered in our cooking lesson later in the year. Bring the bags to me and place them on my desk tomorrow with along with the VIAGRA and The white stuff. 

I look forward to grading your work tomorrow. Because you have so much work to do tonight I am going to let you leave early. Smitty I want you to stay after class and text the word UNSIGHTLY to me one thousand time. 

Class Dismissed

(Despite Harsh Critizizm from the Parent Teacher Association Mr. Drugs went on to win the Teacher of the Year, the following year)

The Joking Type

When I was a young boy, I used to eat chicken nuggets

But Now I put away them young boy ways

Now I'm living like a grown boy

Now I"m eating on the Buffalo Chicken Wings

Wings so good

come on baby eating wings so good

sometimes grub don't feel like it should

wings so good.

This is just a joke..

This whole post.

I feel that we are all entitled to have a little fun every once in awhile right

otherwise what is the point? Not having fun is for losers.

oh oh oh oh Jackie Bleu

Jackie Bleu Cheese lives her life in a low fat style

at the top of the Buffalo Chicken Pile

oh oh oh oh oh Jackie Bleu

The cheese is smelly and so are you

I mean its really all about the money but it is important to have fun at least once every few years to keep the moral up. Good Moral is a very undervalued natural resource. We could all use a little boost in moral

Fat Tire Please

The Suburban Invaders and I performed a show at The Redline Tap in Ravenswood on Sunday night. This is a unrehearsed improv moment from the show where we happened to be taking a little to long between songs and I simply tell the audience about this empty fat tire keg I brought with as a prop. Our new Drummer Rod was using it as part of his drum kit. I have been using the keg at home as part of my "No Exceptions, No Excuses" workout plan. After I simply point out the keg to the crowd, the whole band seems to jump on board and a whole ridiculous song about fat tire just seems to flow out of us. Just so you know, for all of the verses in the song I am impersonating this really great guy named Harry Fridas who often said "Fat Tire Please" and would always demand Fat Tire after doing odd jobs at work like mopping the whole floor or checking people in at the door. Last year Harry was deported back to Sydney Austrailia where there is no Fat Tire. Someday when I have more of a following, I plan on having an event called "Harry's Wild Show" where we would be the musical entertainment alongside some sketch and stand up comedy. The proceeds from the event would all go toward purchasing and exporting a whole Keg of Fat Tire to Harry who is currently living in Sydney. Harry If your reading this, I miss you man. I hope you like the song.

The Ten Keg Commandments

The Ten Keg Commandments

From "The Most Interesting Barback in the World"

10. Keep your Cooler Clean, it is a temple. Pay Tribute to Planet Kegatron! 

All Hail Kegatron

9. You can Haul Empty Kegs on an Empty stomach but you have to be Full in order to haul Full Kegs (About 175 lbs or so) Eat Plenty of McDonald's Breakfast Sandwiches (Bacon, Egg, and Cheese Biscuit preferably) Drink Coffee for energy.


8. Use proper Keg form (very similar to a Squat, Power Clean, Dead lift, but with an element of rowing)

7. Always remember that Kegs = American Muscle (Even if you are not from The States) 


7.5 Shout out to Harry Fridas from Australia who once single handedly hauled 100 Kegs of Fat Tire Amber Ale while working at The Wrigley Rooftops 773 Tickets. (Afterword he said "Fat Tire Please") 

Harry got deported but with your help we can export a keg of Fat Tire to him in Sydney

Kegman

6. If a keg is going to fall, just let it. (It might fall on your foot or you'll get a hernia trying to wrestle it. Just let it fall and do 25 push ups as customary with a Keg Foul. Drop a Fat Tire and do 50!)


5. No drinking on the job. Drinking IS the JOB!






4. If a girl asks you if you need help. Always say no. (unless she wants to help you drink Fat Tire.)


3. While Keg Hauling try not to let sweaty kegs press against your pant legs because you will have stains everywhere. 


2. During Work hours your keg coworkers (Keg men of America) are your fraternal brothers, treat them as such.


1. Never let the Kegs Run Dry!

Bonus Tip: While Keg Hauling, Remember to always shout "POW" In the style of Mark Walhberg from his workout video Form, Focus, Fitness  


Happy Hauling in 2012