That's Not What it Said on the Goddamn Website

A few summers ago while working at the Wrigley Rooftops (The Rooftops of some of the buildings surrounding Chicago's Wrigley field that yield a good few of the action going on inside the friendly confines.) The Wrigley Rooftops or more specifically the Shefield Baseball Club. I was watching the bar in the third floor all star lounge when a man from St. Louis (I assumed because it seems like every time the cubs play the cardinals the entire population of St. Louis would take over Wrigleyville.) St. Louis being the home base of Annhieser Busch brewing the company the proud maker of Bud Lite and other Bud Products. The man I believed to be from St. Louis approached the bar wiping sweat from his forehead with a handkerchief (so he must be old) and I might add that he looked somewhat intoxicated. This portly mustached man stood there and without looking at the tap (which has no Budweiser or bud lite) and says "Bud Lite"(implying i should get him a bud lite) "Sir we don't carry and bud products, I apologize" "Well How about a Budweiser?' "Sir we don't have any Bud Products." He seemed to be getting more and more aggravated with my every attempt to help him understand that the shefield baseball club does not carry any bud products. "Well that's not what it said on the damn website!" He shouts looking cocky as if he has gained the upper hand (Looking back he probably went to the wrong website as it is very easy to get confused by the sheer number and size of the rooftop buildings.) "What Sir?" I asked wanting to see his explanation. "That's not what it said on the damn website. I spent about damn hours on the website and it said there was gonna be plenty of ice cold bud lite and Budweiser for me and my family. Now...Cuz a you boys here and cuz a that goddamn website now I look like a damn fool. I  done brought my whole family up here from St. Louis and there ain't no god damn bud lite and there ain't no god damn Budweiser for me and my family." "Well is there anything else we can get you? we also have Heineken, Amstel, Blue Moon, Fat Tire, Coors." "My family..." He mutters. (By now a line has started to form and some of the other employees are watching as well.) "What Sir?" "Me and my family." "Your Family?" "I done told you I have to have bud lite for me and my family. I swear I saw it on that goddamn website ahhh shit give me a motherfucking Coors!" 

No Exceptions No Excuses Part 1

I Workout!

I am happy to report that my "No Excuses No Exceptions" workout initiative has been going quite splendidly. Last week I clocked in about 10 hours of prison rules basketball with the local hoopers over at Wrightwood Park. (Jeez I hate it when people argue about fouls, quit crying.) Meanwhile over at the Wrigley rooftops (aka planet kegatron) I have been hauling the living shit out many many kegs. I have a few goals that I just want to mention in hopes that some readers will leave inspiring comments to inspire or hurtful comments to motivate. I aim to be able to do 100 push ups in a row on video by July 28th. I plan to Dunk a basketball in a game, on video by August 31st. Currently I can probably do about 50-60 push ups in a row and can dunk after warming up but not while people are trying to stop me. I need to gain a few inches on my vertical over the summer. The "No Excuses No Exceptions" ideals of strength and honor have carried over into the creative realm as well. I have recently started doing daily vocal workouts to learn all the aspects of my favorite instrument "the human voice." I cannot sing (not well anyway) but I dream of someday being able to do a mean impression of George Thoroughgood (singer of awesome tunes such as "Bad To The Bone" "I Drink Alone" "Who Do You Love?" and "One Bourbon, One Scotch And One Beer." I am actually about to do some vocal work right now before heading out to play prison ball. I love Wrightwood Park. Ball So Hard. I hope you all are getting it in this summer. Enjoy the day, it is yours for the milking. Adios Me Amigos. 

The Ten Keg Commandments

The Ten Keg Commandments

From "The Most Interesting Barback in the World"

10. Keep your Cooler Clean, it is a temple. Pay Tribute to Planet Kegatron! 

All Hail Kegatron

9. You can Haul Empty Kegs on an Empty stomach but you have to be Full in order to haul Full Kegs (About 175 lbs or so) Eat Plenty of McDonald's Breakfast Sandwiches (Bacon, Egg, and Cheese Biscuit preferably) Drink Coffee for energy.


8. Use proper Keg form (very similar to a Squat, Power Clean, Dead lift, but with an element of rowing)

7. Always remember that Kegs = American Muscle (Even if you are not from The States) 


7.5 Shout out to Harry Fridas from Australia who once single handedly hauled 100 Kegs of Fat Tire Amber Ale while working at The Wrigley Rooftops 773 Tickets. (Afterword he said "Fat Tire Please") 

Harry got deported but with your help we can export a keg of Fat Tire to him in Sydney

Kegman

6. If a keg is going to fall, just let it. (It might fall on your foot or you'll get a hernia trying to wrestle it. Just let it fall and do 25 push ups as customary with a Keg Foul. Drop a Fat Tire and do 50!)


5. No drinking on the job. Drinking IS the JOB!






4. If a girl asks you if you need help. Always say no. (unless she wants to help you drink Fat Tire.)


3. While Keg Hauling try not to let sweaty kegs press against your pant legs because you will have stains everywhere. 


2. During Work hours your keg coworkers (Keg men of America) are your fraternal brothers, treat them as such.


1. Never let the Kegs Run Dry!

Bonus Tip: While Keg Hauling, Remember to always shout "POW" In the style of Mark Walhberg from his workout video Form, Focus, Fitness  


Happy Hauling in 2012