Seriously? How much fucking beef do we fucking need? I was at work the other day hauling beef with my friend Steve (who can lift a whole cow above his head) and we run out of room for beef storage. Steve looks over and says "HOW MUCH FUCKING BEEF DO WE NEED?" We both just start cracking up for like an hour. Then after that we had to wait forever for this bread delivery so we kept yelling "Hey! You Guys Need Any Fucking Bread?" We look like grownups but in reality we are just adult children. I am a 27 year old 8th grader. Anyway so at work we have this other thing where we at the syllable "shn" in place of the first syllable in a word. So "Coors" becomes "Shnoors" "Peter Francis Geraci" becomes "Shneter Shnancis Shnershnaci" I guess for longer words you add extra "shn" sounds for emphasis. My favorite thing to order at the bar lately is an ice cold "Shnudweiser" it's just so fun to say it with me now "Shnudweiser." I am deadly serious about actually buying a home brew kit and really making a beer called "Shnudweiser" Wouldn't that be hilarious? eh Whatever or something. So about half the time the bartender just smiles and brings back an ice cold Shnud but the other half of the time they just look at you all crazy and say "I'm sorry, did you say Sh Sh Shnudweiser?" I'm like "yes sir that's right "Shudweiser." Then there is this long pause before I have to actually drop the whole fun "Shn" sound game and spell it out for the guy "Just get me a fucking Budweiser!" Work is really fun.
A few summers ago while working at the Wrigley Rooftops (The Rooftops of some of the buildings surrounding Chicago's Wrigley field that yield a good few of the action going on inside the friendly confines.) The Wrigley Rooftops or more specifically the Shefield Baseball Club. I was watching the bar in the third floor all star lounge when a man from St. Louis (I assumed because it seems like every time the cubs play the cardinals the entire population of St. Louis would take over Wrigleyville.) St. Louis being the home base of Annhieser Busch brewing the company the proud maker of Bud Lite and other Bud Products. The man I believed to be from St. Louis approached the bar wiping sweat from his forehead with a handkerchief (so he must be old) and I might add that he looked somewhat intoxicated. This portly mustached man stood there and without looking at the tap (which has no Budweiser or bud lite) and says "Bud Lite"(implying i should get him a bud lite) "Sir we don't carry and bud products, I apologize" "Well How about a Budweiser?' "Sir we don't have any Bud Products." He seemed to be getting more and more aggravated with my every attempt to help him understand that the shefield baseball club does not carry any bud products. "Well that's not what it said on the damn website!" He shouts looking cocky as if he has gained the upper hand (Looking back he probably went to the wrong website as it is very easy to get confused by the sheer number and size of the rooftop buildings.) "What Sir?" I asked wanting to see his explanation. "That's not what it said on the damn website. I spent about damn hours on the website and it said there was gonna be plenty of ice cold bud lite and Budweiser for me and my family. Now...Cuz a you boys here and cuz a that goddamn website now I look like a damn fool. I done brought my whole family up here from St. Louis and there ain't no god damn bud lite and there ain't no god damn Budweiser for me and my family." "Well is there anything else we can get you? we also have Heineken, Amstel, Blue Moon, Fat Tire, Coors." "My family..." He mutters. (By now a line has started to form and some of the other employees are watching as well.) "What Sir?" "Me and my family." "Your Family?" "I done told you I have to have bud lite for me and my family. I swear I saw it on that goddamn website ahhh shit give me a motherfucking Coors!"
