Its a mad mad mad mad mad world

Its a maddening maddening mad hatters mad hattering mad haters are chattering

the batter is battering all the stats are still staggering the badger was badgering unabashadley brandishing a badge from a bad German Sheppard black fur like a leopard without stripes and no checkers i was a wreck at the records i felt wretched in bed but it was all for the better

forever together in splendor where ever no wonder no never grow stronger go getter 

so weather the storm whether rich or in squalor from the top of the bucket to the bottomm of dollars to the loudest of whispers and softest of hollers. for the insomniac staying up four hundred hours

to the clean freak scrubbing dead skin in the showers 

the flesh eating disease it rips and devours 

but what about love and smelling the flowers. 

Hairstyles of the rich and homeless

I feel great. Even though I split the my eyebrow open the other night when I made the executive decision to headbutt some guy during a basketball game the other night. Even with this open wound on my face I was still able to make it out to McCormick place for the first time since I worked the auto show in February. It was my chance to learn about the competitive world of hair modeling. It went well. Its funny because you cant see what they are doing to you and you just see hair flying all over the place. I had done a hair modeling gig in the suburbs with my buddy Tanto a couple of years back 2007 I think. 
This one was for the American Beauty Show and was a lot more insane. The whole place (Mind you that McCormick place is big enough for dinosaurs to be playing full contact football) I went up there and it was crazy. A lot crazier than the auto show. I guess anytime you have that many people packed into a giant building. I just got a gig to doing voice overs for an independent animated feature film. All of my friends and family are doing well. People on facebook are all having great days. It's cold but spring is in the air. March 12th is going down in the books as a great day. I have been looking forward to more blogging now that the Internet gods have smiled kindly upon me. I have realized that the inter net is just a vehicle for your mind. its was keeping me up late the other night thinking that we all live in a giant building like McCormick place, like the Truman show. we are just cows feeding and biding our time. Is it all a game. Have I watched too many conspiracy videos to know whats real? Sitting here thinking about how the Internet is the matrix. The dream is real (the tag line from the inception promotional posters.) I feel good none the less. As I was saying the whole world is changing and moving forward. People are getting connected new friends are everywhere. Take advantage of every opportunity. seize the day. You are always becoming better or worse, decide which one you prefer. Best

-Von Deez

Kick in the door waving the forty

Today is December 2nd 2012. It was alarmingly nice outside today so my Brother Dane and I set sail for adventure. We dissected the lyrics and song structure of the late great notorious big aka Frank White. I don't know if I have mentioned this in a previous post but I just want to say that I am big fan of Biggy. I am a Biggy guy, I never got to deep into Tupac. If you go to Wendy's they have Biggy size not Tupac size. Ahh whatever. So Dane and I went to the basketball court in our never ending quest to never call fouls no matter the stakes or blatantness. Prison Rules. I always like when Biggy said " many nights I perform like mike, anyone Tyson Jordan Jackson action packed guns ridiculous"

I tried to go to shitbucks to use the Internet but it was no use, the entire place was filled with douche bags. I took a long walk and decided that it is official I like walking. When I was young I use to dream of one day growing old. It looks like all the hard work is paying off so far this year. I am really excited about some upcoming stuff that I'm gonna be posting later this month or next week. So whose up for a little late night luncheon. I went to crunch on some chips but Von Los stole them from my snack drawer. I am excited to report that I have received word from Von Los. 

Super Lyrical

Lyrically I’m like an athletic freak when I write

 So I’m tight at open mics that I frequent at night

 When I speak on the mic  in a beacon of light

 I’m kinda weird and i'm white but still keeping it hype

I need a miller lite! When I step off stages

 Take a seat at the bar with some hot babes and write pages

 I’m writin bars at bars with with local rap stars

 I’m writin bars at barbeques with dudes in my back yard

 Cuz art work pays off take no days off

 Work hard play soft smoke weed, play golf

 I often stop at coffee shops to sit and jot

  I get lost in thought with the ink I blot

  I sit and think a lot high off decent pot

 I never creep or stop whether I sleep or not

  I think this coffee drink I got is freaking hot

  Lyrically on a streak that can never be stopped

That's Not What it Said on the Goddamn Website

A few summers ago while working at the Wrigley Rooftops (The Rooftops of some of the buildings surrounding Chicago's Wrigley field that yield a good few of the action going on inside the friendly confines.) The Wrigley Rooftops or more specifically the Shefield Baseball Club. I was watching the bar in the third floor all star lounge when a man from St. Louis (I assumed because it seems like every time the cubs play the cardinals the entire population of St. Louis would take over Wrigleyville.) St. Louis being the home base of Annhieser Busch brewing the company the proud maker of Bud Lite and other Bud Products. The man I believed to be from St. Louis approached the bar wiping sweat from his forehead with a handkerchief (so he must be old) and I might add that he looked somewhat intoxicated. This portly mustached man stood there and without looking at the tap (which has no Budweiser or bud lite) and says "Bud Lite"(implying i should get him a bud lite) "Sir we don't carry and bud products, I apologize" "Well How about a Budweiser?' "Sir we don't have any Bud Products." He seemed to be getting more and more aggravated with my every attempt to help him understand that the shefield baseball club does not carry any bud products. "Well that's not what it said on the damn website!" He shouts looking cocky as if he has gained the upper hand (Looking back he probably went to the wrong website as it is very easy to get confused by the sheer number and size of the rooftop buildings.) "What Sir?" I asked wanting to see his explanation. "That's not what it said on the damn website. I spent about damn hours on the website and it said there was gonna be plenty of ice cold bud lite and Budweiser for me and my family. Now...Cuz a you boys here and cuz a that goddamn website now I look like a damn fool. I  done brought my whole family up here from St. Louis and there ain't no god damn bud lite and there ain't no god damn Budweiser for me and my family." "Well is there anything else we can get you? we also have Heineken, Amstel, Blue Moon, Fat Tire, Coors." "My family..." He mutters. (By now a line has started to form and some of the other employees are watching as well.) "What Sir?" "Me and my family." "Your Family?" "I done told you I have to have bud lite for me and my family. I swear I saw it on that goddamn website ahhh shit give me a motherfucking Coors!" 

Mr. Drugs

Good Morning Class. Now that the Teacher's Strike has been settled I will be your teacher for the rest of the school year. My name..... is Mr. Drugs. It is pronounced "Droogs" not "Drugs" and as I see some of you snickering I already know that this is going to be and interesting year for this class. I wonder. By a show of hands, how many of you have prescriptions for Adderall. Okay. For all those of you who have prescriptions for Adderall, you may go to recess. All the rest of you will be going down to the nurses office where you are going to tell her that you are having concentration problems. 

Good Morning Class. You all look awake. Now that you all have your required prescriptions for Adderall it is time for you first assignment. I want you all to go home tonight and in the dark of night go into your bottle of Adderall and bring me five of them. Five Adderall from each of you placed in rows on my desk tomorrow morning or you will drop a whole grade level. 

Good Morning Class. Thank you for completing your assignment and to celebrate I am happy to announce that it is now time for your first spelling lesson The Word of the day is XANAX for your second assignment I want you all to go home tonight being extra careful that no one sees you go behind your mothers bathroom mirror and look for a bottle with today's spelling word XANAX written on it and bring the pills to my desk in the morning. Because you have all been so good about completing your adderall assignment I have decided that for the rest of the day we will be watching "Limitless" starring Bradley Cooper as a drug fueled entrepreneur. You don't have to take notes but try to notice the symbolism of how his drug is basically adderall. 

Good Morning Class. I am very pleased to see that you have all completed you second assignment congratulations. At this time I would like all of you to take out your iPhone I want you to text me photo each of your mothers in a bikini. Except for you Smitty, you don't have to complete this assignment in fact you can have extra credit for not doing it. But for the rest of you it is mandatory. The pictures are part of my notes for the upcoming parent teacher conferences. For those of you with large breasted mothers there will be a bonus. That is all for now.....

Class I have been nice to you so far but now I am starting to get angry. Last night I was in the middle of  a long work session that involved studying your mothers photos in my bedroom when Smitty whom I had specifically told not to send me any photo whatsoever decided to send me a photo of his mother who shall we say is quite...unsightly. My night was ruined and now as result you are going to have two assignments today. Tell Suri or write this down or whatever method of note taking works for you. 

Assignment 4: I want you to go into your fathers office and look inside his desk for white powder in some kind of container or bag. It will taste very bitter but don't have to much because it's only for grownups. 

Assignment 5: Visit your Grandfathers home and look next to his bed where there are sure to be a variety of pill bottles. Look among them and find toady's spelling word which is VIAGRA. They are for a friend a very old friend who needs them. they are not for me. Kindly Bring in about five pills each they are blue. 

 I have added an extra assignment because during lunch I was eating and the mere thought of Smitty's mothers unsightliness made me lose my appetite. 

Assignment 6: Tonight while your older brother is asleep go into his bedroom and look inside his dresser for a some green stuff in a plastic bag. It will smell very much like skunk but somehow more pleasant. Don't eat it unless you know the cooking process which will be covered in our cooking lesson later in the year. Bring the bags to me and place them on my desk tomorrow with along with the VIAGRA and The white stuff. 

I look forward to grading your work tomorrow. Because you have so much work to do tonight I am going to let you leave early. Smitty I want you to stay after class and text the word UNSIGHTLY to me one thousand time. 

Class Dismissed

(Despite Harsh Critizizm from the Parent Teacher Association Mr. Drugs went on to win the Teacher of the Year, the following year)

My Friends are always Drunk

I have been quite busy and frantic this morning. Living life to the absolute fullest and richest. I enjoyed a refined breakfast of steak and eggs. The steak proved to be very nourishing and enriching to my tired frame. Upon leaving my place I stopped for coffee and a trip to the bank for a friendly conversation with a genuinely interested teller who really seemed to care about my deposit. There is much to do today. Some of my very best friends are calling me to meet them for drinks but its only 930 am...... Is that too early to get naughty?

Unsure of what to do I took a long stroll all the way to the lakefront where I came to rest upon a bench in the misty breeze of scenic lake Michigan. The lake is my favorite part of living in Chicago. I can remember when I first moved here I thought that living by the lake was like living by the ocean. Ha what a dumb ass. Actually I didn't really think that, I always knew the size of these large bodies of water. Speaking of bodies of water, isn't that what we are? We are flesh bags containing water and other goodies. I have a feeling that too much time has been spent on this subject for now.

Anyway. Listing to the sound of the lake I witnessed a bicycle rider punch an unsuspecting Asian man in the head as he rode by because the poor fellow was standing in the bike lane (Life in the bike Lane). Totally not cool bro. He should have just slapped his ass. Holy shit man. What the hell was that dudes problemo? I feel very aggravated by all the shit heads and dip shits here. My visit to the lake has been ruined. Back to the lab.

(Cue batman sound effects and spinning logo)

I spent a few hours writing in my trusty journal to calm my nerves and soothe my bitter frustrations. By comparison I am a new man, a better man, a more refined man than I had been earlier in the day. What a turn of events. As I look toward the evening I keep getting calls from my friends at the bar. I can't believe they are still drinking. Surely they are sustaining themselves by eating mini burgers and other appetizers. Should I meet them? Should I go out and try to be a good friend? Or should I stay home and sit alone in the dark plotting the demise of the corporate machine? I'm going out.

Hanging With Frank

If your hanging with Frank you best bee feeling a buzz
Feeling better than ever better even on drugs

Never under the weather pull from under the rug

And when I’m feeling the love its even better because

Man I’m taking a trip I hit the road with my budz

And i'm taking Sip Mud Lite in my cup

And I’m taking a dip Gach & Chips and some chicks

Were at Lake Michigan chilling Buffalo Chicken Strips

Boom shakalaka we be the chief rockers
NBA jam kick it FIFA like soccer
We got the root beer and the whipped vodka
We act proper you are a malaka

Pop a couple pills until it ain't pretty
Ballpark Frank got the moves like Schmitty
At the strip club we all getting shitty
Big fat motherfucking titties in the city

Rock and Roll Man

"When I was growing up it was different man. It was all about rock and roll. Now It's all about bullshit. I have had enough of these wannabes and doppelgangers man. It's still here it hasn't gone anywhere, I don't know if you people just don't understand or you forgot or something. But It's not hard to see once you connect the dots. It's Rock and Roll Man......It's rock and roll. I often go to the record store to check out the rock and roll section afterward it is typical for me to eat beef sandwiches and talk about my ideals into a tape recorder that a friend gave me. It was a long day but like so many I forget why I even got up this morning or afternoon. A lot of people don't like Bob Seger. I like Bob Seger. I felt like he never got the respect he deserved. Against the wind is a fucking classic song. Still the same has angels singing backup. It was rock and roll man. Jim Morrison was Rock and Roll. The 80's was Rock and Roll. The Beatles Man, That was Rock and Fucking Roll. Kurt Cobain was Rock and Roll  Where is the fucking rock and roll nowadays. In the Past? NO IT'S Still Here. Living on in this strange man. This random dude who lives in a shit hole and loves rock and roll. He looks kind of familiar." 

Brother Man

You can't stay on the farm forever. Eventually it's time to wake up and take your act to the city for a real evaluation. My brother tells me the best way to start fresh is to take a shower. 
 When we arrived at the hotel on orchard street. We ordered enough room service for ten people (we have been watching way to much man vs food lately) and ate enough for about 2 people.
 We walked over to the lake and told ourselves that today was gonna be different. Today we were gonna find out the real us, the inner us, the redeemed, the finally ready to be taught inner sage in all of us. We sat there listening to the lake and reading important books for nearly seven hours. 
Afterward we both felt more important prompting us to make reservations at a fancy restaurant. After the very sultry and polite host seated us we ate a salad before leaving early.
 My Brother told me that he felt bad for the host because every time she seated someone they would eventually leave. I told him that eventually everybody has to leave so that there are seats available. 
He nodded his head and we walked  for many miles of urban landscape before stopping at a local coffee bar to see if they had any coffee that was imported from other places. They did not like us very much. 
My Brother who always tells people what he thinks about them threatened to burn down the local coffee place. 
As we fled the scene this homeless guy stumbled out of an alley way and told us that "The same shit that happened to John Q happened to me." I'm not sure why but my Brother stabbed the homeless guy and we fled to Panama City Florida. How are things going for you back home?

Epic North American Poem

When my last day on earth arrives

I’ll kiss the sun and make it rise

I’ll Drink the Ocean and Paint the skies

I’ll think emotion and feel wise

Used to life but meet demise

I’ll never have to say goodbye

You’ll never hurt and never cry

Your heart disappeared your tears are dry

Don’t slouch or frown or even sigh

Just understand and listen why

The soul I have just isn’t my

It’s yours and thiers and every I           

Spirits soaring flying high

Worth more than you could ever buy

Don’t waste your life forever thrive

Grow every day you stay alive

How many years you may survive

On terms of yours that you decide

Feelings you know but can’t describe

In you I live on and we’ll never die

Its you and us and every I

The soul is we remember me

From The Desk Of BallPark Frank

I get big in the paint like a big man on canvas
Frank on the globe write rhymes on the atlas
Make all the money to buy all the makers
On your mark get set on the plate like taters
Better now than laters i glide like the skaters
Always rip ass when i'm in the elavators
Darth like the vaders light saber tooth tigers
Watching us now in the eye of the fighter
Lit like a lighter cuz got spins like the dryer
Walking home looking like the man on the wire
I burn rubber like a fire breathing dragon with a magnum 
Condom i got at the spot when I bought gum 
Got some awesome nachos with cheese sauce and quac yo
An ice cream snickers and a choco taco
Got the tic tacs and tactics the stretch like elastic
I love the fans cuz they are fantastic 

Mr. Weedman Draft 1

Bong Bong Bong Bong Bong 
Bong Bong Bong Bong Bong
Bong Bong Bong Bong Bong
Bong Bong Bong Bong Bong
Bong Bong Bong Bong Bong


Mr. Weedman bring me some trees
(Bong Bong Bong Bong)
Bring me some nuggets and bring me some leaves
(Bong Bong Bong Bong)
Give me a mix white widow and clover
(Bong Bong Bong Bong)
Mr. Weedman please come over


Weedman pick up the phone
(Bong Bong Bong Bong)
Drove past your house I know that your home
(Bong Bong Bong Bong)
Please I'm feeling like a fiend
Mr. Weedman bring me some green

Bong Bong Bong Bong Bong

Bong Bong Bong Bong Bong

Bong Bong Bong Bong Bong

Bong Bong Bong Bong Bong

Bong Bong Bong Bong Bong

Mister Weedman bring me some trees
Bring me some nuggets and bring me some leaves
Give me the biggest bag you've got at your place
Mr. Weedman I need to blaze


Weedman I'm so alone
I need some ganja so I can get stoned
No stems no sticks and please no seeds
Mr. Weedman bring me some weed

Bong Bong Bong Bong Bong

Bong Bong Bong Bong Bong

Bong Bong Bong Bong Bong

Bong Bong Bong Bong Bong

Bong Bong Bong Bong Bong

Mr. Weedman (Yes?)
Bring us some budz
Give us a bag of your finest nugz
Mr. Weedman please 
Mr. Weedman bring me some weed

It is sung in the style of these wonderful young ladies. Sure is nice to hear such a nice Song. 

Dale Fanella Working For A Living

Contact me at your leisure if you ever need a actor, performer, emcee, writer, model. I  also excel at hauling kegs and brand ambassador work.

Pizza Monster Poem Part One

The sun came out and the moon set in

the alarm went off let the day begin

let the coffee brew and the shower steam

five more minutes to sleep and dream

but watch those minutes 

they sure add up

Have a bagel fill your cup

Read the Times and find your way

Be at work or play today is the day

The forest hum the ocean spray

the icy mist the sunny ray

the way we make the hours pass 

Infinite wisdom at our grasp 

father time is old and wise 

mother earth nurtures young vines

so drink the wines and clean the scrapes 

finish the paper review the tapes

take all the things you took for granted 

the overstated the understanded

the upper graded and under handed 

i read a pamphlet about the planet 

Going Green?  or Going Hamlet?

Going Hamlet I must say sir

Hamlet Going as it were

where is it here that fear we must

of gooey cheese and crunchy crust

tomato chunkage such a must

the pizza monster is after us.

Watch out because I will undoubtedly continue the story of the pizza monster and believe me when I tell you that it is going to be down right hilarious. 

Watch out for the Evil Pizza Monster

The Joking Type

When I was a young boy, I used to eat chicken nuggets

But Now I put away them young boy ways

Now I'm living like a grown boy

Now I"m eating on the Buffalo Chicken Wings

Wings so good

come on baby eating wings so good

sometimes grub don't feel like it should

wings so good.

This is just a joke..

This whole post.

I feel that we are all entitled to have a little fun every once in awhile right

otherwise what is the point? Not having fun is for losers.

oh oh oh oh Jackie Bleu

Jackie Bleu Cheese lives her life in a low fat style

at the top of the Buffalo Chicken Pile

oh oh oh oh oh Jackie Bleu

The cheese is smelly and so are you

I mean its really all about the money but it is important to have fun at least once every few years to keep the moral up. Good Moral is a very undervalued natural resource. We could all use a little boost in moral

Laced Coffee Poem

One day I saw a sign 

"What kinda sign did you see?"

A giant billboard that said "(watch out for the laced coffee?)"

I blinked my eyes twice cuz I thought it said "Iced"

I sat there all day and long into the night

so deep were my thoughts i had a case of the thinks

it made me wanna stop for some food and some drinks 

the diner in flux with plate clanks and glass clinks  

I sat at a table unassuming, 

except for the other three people who sneered

back, back, back, they say while pushing me out of the way

But stay, stay, stay, I say I am the wart that wont go away 

even later in life when your old and your grey all the way to the end I'll be here to stay

so they left and I sat there got coffee and snacks like soup of the day and these new deli wraps

slaps on the table laughter rumbles like thunder i stare at my coffee and i started to wonder

now was it the smell or was it the taste one thing was for sure the coffee was laced

I paced to the bathroom to look in the mirror the sounds on my face i started to hear

strange prose from my nose bold lies from my eyes surprised by the highs that laced coffee provides

I Met Joe Black

Fat Tire Please

The Suburban Invaders and I performed a show at The Redline Tap in Ravenswood on Sunday night. This is a unrehearsed improv moment from the show where we happened to be taking a little to long between songs and I simply tell the audience about this empty fat tire keg I brought with as a prop. Our new Drummer Rod was using it as part of his drum kit. I have been using the keg at home as part of my "No Exceptions, No Excuses" workout plan. After I simply point out the keg to the crowd, the whole band seems to jump on board and a whole ridiculous song about fat tire just seems to flow out of us. Just so you know, for all of the verses in the song I am impersonating this really great guy named Harry Fridas who often said "Fat Tire Please" and would always demand Fat Tire after doing odd jobs at work like mopping the whole floor or checking people in at the door. Last year Harry was deported back to Sydney Austrailia where there is no Fat Tire. Someday when I have more of a following, I plan on having an event called "Harry's Wild Show" where we would be the musical entertainment alongside some sketch and stand up comedy. The proceeds from the event would all go toward purchasing and exporting a whole Keg of Fat Tire to Harry who is currently living in Sydney. Harry If your reading this, I miss you man. I hope you like the song.

Maximum Pain

I started posting videos on you tube to promote my comedic talents to a broader audience. There is no real plan here. Simply throwing stuff out there to try and attract a following of people who like to watch weird people act weird. This video is me poking fun of Max Pain, Preparation H, and the acting style used in most pain medication commercials. Hope you like. Gotta go there is a re run of Married with Children on and there are a lot of babes looking hot and I can no longer concentrate on the task at hand. Good day to you all.  

The Stuff Film Review

There are certain Movies out there that I find interesting and begin to obsess over. I believe this is a common condition in the information age due to increased access to media.  I watched this real gem called "The Stuff"

It starts out with this crazy old man in a snowy mining facility.  He sees this weird bubbling white goo leaking out of the ground and tastes it. MMMM Tasty.

A few months later the goo is being Advertised and Sold all across America with a genius ad campaign that was one of my favorite parts of the film.  The Stuff is putting Ice Cream companies out of business and several owners meet on a boat to discuss hiring a ex FBI corporate spy named David "Moe" Rutherford played by Michael Moriarty who constantly reminds people "they call me Moe, they call me that because every time I get something I always want Mo." This Rutherford guy is silky smooth always saying the right things at the right time and handing out knuckle sandwiches left and right. Rutherford begins investigating The Stuff to find out what exactly it is.