The Ten Keg Commandments

The Ten Keg Commandments

From "The Most Interesting Barback in the World"

10. Keep your Cooler Clean, it is a temple. Pay Tribute to Planet Kegatron! 

All Hail Kegatron

9. You can Haul Empty Kegs on an Empty stomach but you have to be Full in order to haul Full Kegs (About 175 lbs or so) Eat Plenty of McDonald's Breakfast Sandwiches (Bacon, Egg, and Cheese Biscuit preferably) Drink Coffee for energy.


8. Use proper Keg form (very similar to a Squat, Power Clean, Dead lift, but with an element of rowing)

7. Always remember that Kegs = American Muscle (Even if you are not from The States) 


7.5 Shout out to Harry Fridas from Australia who once single handedly hauled 100 Kegs of Fat Tire Amber Ale while working at The Wrigley Rooftops 773 Tickets. (Afterword he said "Fat Tire Please") 

Harry got deported but with your help we can export a keg of Fat Tire to him in Sydney

Kegman

6. If a keg is going to fall, just let it. (It might fall on your foot or you'll get a hernia trying to wrestle it. Just let it fall and do 25 push ups as customary with a Keg Foul. Drop a Fat Tire and do 50!)


5. No drinking on the job. Drinking IS the JOB!






4. If a girl asks you if you need help. Always say no. (unless she wants to help you drink Fat Tire.)


3. While Keg Hauling try not to let sweaty kegs press against your pant legs because you will have stains everywhere. 


2. During Work hours your keg coworkers (Keg men of America) are your fraternal brothers, treat them as such.


1. Never let the Kegs Run Dry!

Bonus Tip: While Keg Hauling, Remember to always shout "POW" In the style of Mark Walhberg from his workout video Form, Focus, Fitness  


Happy Hauling in 2012

Serious Headaches

Whenever I have a headache it really slows me down. I'm a busy guy, I don't have time to deal with headaches. So when a headache is seriously bothering me I reach for a bottle of Excedrin and a whole popcorn bowl full of ice water to dip my face in like Alec Baldwin from "The Departed". For about three months straight I let "The Departed" run on my DVD player 24 hours a day in continuous rotation (Talk about good programming.) No interaction with real people just me alone with "The Departed" Constantly playing (The Sign of a truly great flick is watchability)
After seeing The Alec Baldwin headache cold therapy scene a few hundred times I tried it out for myself and it was fantastic. If you don't have a popcorn bowl full of ice water you can easily go outside and stick your face in the snow or perhaps you have secretly stashed some snow or ice in your freezer for just such an occasion.  I recommend that you try Headache Cold Therapy the next time you have a serious headache.  I also recommend a short walk and a junior steak burrito if you have any resurgent headaches for the remainder of the day. I must mention that if you should try the Headache Cold Therapy routine keep in mind that it is important to come up for air every so often, as it is vital to our survival. In closing I was wondering if I built a house out of blogs would it be called a Blog Home? Similar to a log home but with Blogs instead of Logs. Anyone? Anyone? Bueller? I need to get some rest.

A Whales Vagina

Me and My Friends. Haha yeah right.

Wednesday Wednesday Wonderful Wednesday I went outside to throw away some liquor bottles but the dumpster was missing, so instead I got a nice coffee buzz and listened to various 80s Jams. Sometimes when I get stuck with the writing it really helps to pull out something old that I havent read in awhile.  You know? Just reflect on something you already did and put yourself back in that same frame of mind. Some of the journal pages have spilled beer, tomato sauce, wierd stickers, toenail clippings  and crinkles that add character to the pages.  I love language. I wish I was bilingual, I only know bits and pieces of a few languages Spanish, Japanese, a little French.  I could never learn another language in school only by immersion and asking people annoying questions "how do say? how do you say? how do you say?"
With more lingual power i could climb the highest mountains and scour the dirtiest alleys searching for good conversation and company. Stay hungry and you will eat. By the way, last night I told these people about how if I was ever pursued by Renegade White Sharks I would find safety by hiding inside a whales vagina. Of course I realize that it would only be a matter of time before I was crushed to death by a giant whale penis. So I guess its not really a good plan. I have gone to the burrito place nearly five times this week. Is there any hope for our hero? Will one taco dinner ever be enough? Tune in next week for the exciting conclusion. 


Good Day to All

Customer Service

Waiter: "Hi. How can I help you sir?"

Customer: "I Want a reservation for a delivery"

Waiter: "Okay I can accommodate that for you Sir"

Customer: "I Want to pay for it using a coupon that expired a long time ago."

Waiter: "No Problem Sir What would you like to order?"

Customer: "I Want A Cheeseburger with NO CHEESE and I want Ketchup with NO FRIES."

Waiter: "Anything else Sir?"

Customer: "Yes I also want the soup of the day from tomorrow."

Waiter: "Okay one soup, would you like some complimentary bread, Perhaps for dipping?"

Customer: "Yes I would like some stale bread with fresh mold. "

Waiter: "For Dessert May I recommend A scoop of our delicious coffee flavored ice cream?"

Customer: "Actually I would like a cup of vanilla flavored coffee instead and could I also get a melted Popsicle?"

Waiter: "Yes sir. Will you be paying with cash or credit?"

Customer: "No." 

The End

Random Nice People Rule

Sometimes the random people you meet on the street, at the bar, or visiting local landmarks are the high lite of your whole day.  For Example I was out for a well deserved beer and this random guy told me he liked my coat (little did he know I had stolen it during a bar fight several years ago and have since been afraid of someone calling me out on it.)

Waiting for the Mexican Place

I woke up at 6am this morning after a night of mild intoxication. I brushed my teeth and put on a full sweat suit, shoes and socks (because my place is so cold your feet will go numb without shoes) then I confine myself to my bedroom, watching endless YouTube videos (which somehow feels less depressing than early morning television) eating sunflower seeds and drinking Gatorade. I do all of this for one simple reason, I am addicted to Mexican food. I love Tortas, Quesadillas, Tacos, Burritos and Jumex drinks.  Sure not the most refined man on the planet but I know what I like. Now why is it that after a whole week of sleeping in did I suddenly wake up so early today craving the one place in my neighborhood that doesn't open until 10am? I don't know if I am gonna make it.  

The Salad Ballad

The salad got dressed and went to get his lettuce 

Made it to tomatoes who was with his cousin ketchup 

They jumped him with the pumpkin tossed the salad in the dump then 

They left him for dead though his  heart just kept pumping 

His thoughts they were stirring weird things were occurring 

He rolled into the river just to catch up with the current 

And he caught up with this crew called the croutons   

Who he knew from the coupons he met other Friends 

Like Mustard and Dijon and his old cousin Caesar

They went to tomatoes just to get revenge 
Double crossed by his friends now hes back again
Then ketchup got capped tomato got smacked 

Sauced in a bucket beaten to a pulp spitting out his guts 

Just as the pumpkin was dead from a thrashing 

They carved up his head and lit it up in trashcan 

The salad woke up he sat there just gasping
He had all these questions he felt like just asking 

About this thing and that thing and things that he'd seen 

He looked to his left and he let out a scream
Something on his mantle looking scary and dead 

With a candle in his mouth the damn pumpkin head 

He looked at his hands running red as he bled 

On second look damn tomato sauce instead
This concludes the Salad Ballad. 

Homeless Traffic Director

 One day while walking down Armitage street near the Chicago Bagel Authority I saw a nice BMW SUV get into an accident with a standard yellow cab. The swanky SUV guy got out and looked at the damage to his car and started freaking out. The taxi driver just sat calmly in his cab as if not to notice the swanky guy screaming at his driver side window. It was funny that this guy was being so dramatic. In the meantime traffic has been building up the whole time both in front of and behind the SUV BMW and cab. This homeless guy who would always hang out among all the local eatery's, was sitting on a stoop at street level eating a sandwich and sunning himself when he noticed the many honks from the ever increasing traffic. I watched him stand up dust himself off and walk over to the street. I gasped as he raised one arm with an open palm as if to say "stop" and then waived his other hand as if to say "go." Signaling the cars on the opposite side to go through the only open lane. I kept laughing thinking that it was so funny that this guy felt like it was his job to direct traffic despite having no obligation to do so. Further more the people he was directing were actually complying and following his directions even though he had no real authority.  I must have laughed for a good ten or twenty minutes. It was actually kind of awesome. I wonder what happened when the cops came? What did they say to the SUV guy and the CAB guy and the NICE homeless man. The Homeless Traffic Director.

Beach Club Veggie Wrap

Order a Pickle

It was a clear black night a cool jeweled moon 

All the freaks hit the streets trying to consume

They need to feed before they pass out

I know just the place to go if they wanna max out

When the fridge is empty and the food is gone 

Everybody's on the street to get some Jimmy Johns 

If your really hungry and you need to eat 

You know whats up with Jimmy Johns subs so fast you'll Freak

Top Five Workout Songs (Rock)

If you need to get pumped, look no further than the following five tunes. I personally get my sweat on to all of these. Coming soon the

5. Down With The Sickness By Disturbed

4. Paralyzer By Finger Eleven

3.Push It To The Limit By Paul Engemann

2.Cult Of Personality By In Living Colour

1.Eye Of The Tiger By Survivor

IT IS NOT OKAY TO BE FAT....In Japan

The Western Diet

In America you get in trouble for having drug paraphernalia, not curbing your dog, public urination and tampering with mail boxes. But over in one of the most fascinating places I have ever been it is now against the law to be obese.  According to a CNN news video I watched the other night, It is now illegal to be fat in Japan.

In the video they describe how obesity was never really a problem in Japan until the arrival of American fast food. Apparently our Eastern friends are not very happy with the results of the "Western Diet" aka "Man Diet." CNN reports that a traditional Japanese meal is about 600 calories where as a McDonald's meal (introduced to them by us) is roughly 1300 calories. Holy smokes (the Cigarettes that God prefers) that is more than double the calories.

From now on companies are going to be regulated to make sure that their employees maintain a healthy waste size (33 inches for men and 35 for women) The CNN report did not mention a regulation of Body Fat composition which is likely a better indication of potential health troubles rather than waste size but hey who cares as long as they are taking steps to reverse this problem to save themselves from spending a lot more money on employee insurance packages.

The Stuff Film Review

There are certain Movies out there that I find interesting and begin to obsess over. I believe this is a common condition in the information age due to increased access to media.  I watched this real gem called "The Stuff"

It starts out with this crazy old man in a snowy mining facility.  He sees this weird bubbling white goo leaking out of the ground and tastes it. MMMM Tasty.

A few months later the goo is being Advertised and Sold all across America with a genius ad campaign that was one of my favorite parts of the film.  The Stuff is putting Ice Cream companies out of business and several owners meet on a boat to discuss hiring a ex FBI corporate spy named David "Moe" Rutherford played by Michael Moriarty who constantly reminds people "they call me Moe, they call me that because every time I get something I always want Mo." This Rutherford guy is silky smooth always saying the right things at the right time and handing out knuckle sandwiches left and right. Rutherford begins investigating The Stuff to find out what exactly it is. 

The Mad Blogger



The Mad Blogger



There once was a Blogger who wrote all the time

He wrote every day always posting online



Sharing his words and Ideas that he had

His audience grew with every post that he'd add

Robbery at Local Mcdonalds

THE HAMBURGLAR

Be Advised. Between the hours of 2pm and 3pm at a local Mcdonalds restaurant a 21 year old man was robbed in a suprise bathroom altercation that left him Hospitalized. As the victim attempted to use the bathroom facility he was savagely beaten and brutally assaulted. Reportedly the attacker stole the victims recently purchased Quarter Pounder With Cheese before fleeing the building giggling maniacally according to security footage.