A Poem That Sucks

To do all you should have when you could
To understand the misunderstood
To know that all was truly good
Laughing in the neighborhood
To harbor guilt and fear and hate
Three jobs you hate your always late
A stack of bills laid on your plate 
Maybe she'll pay for the date?
To be so broke but never broken
Truer words were never spoken
Hush old man it's not an omen
One door will close and one will open
To charge and race for cheers and gifts
So hard we  chase for years it lives
A sacrifice you have to give
In order to be positive
To know you never second guessed
To try your best and never rest
It's like your on an endless quest
But you've been here before

Rock and Roll Man

"When I was growing up it was different man. It was all about rock and roll. Now It's all about bullshit. I have had enough of these wannabes and doppelgangers man. It's still here it hasn't gone anywhere, I don't know if you people just don't understand or you forgot or something. But It's not hard to see once you connect the dots. It's Rock and Roll Man......It's rock and roll. I often go to the record store to check out the rock and roll section afterward it is typical for me to eat beef sandwiches and talk about my ideals into a tape recorder that a friend gave me. It was a long day but like so many I forget why I even got up this morning or afternoon. A lot of people don't like Bob Seger. I like Bob Seger. I felt like he never got the respect he deserved. Against the wind is a fucking classic song. Still the same has angels singing backup. It was rock and roll man. Jim Morrison was Rock and Roll. The 80's was Rock and Roll. The Beatles Man, That was Rock and Fucking Roll. Kurt Cobain was Rock and Roll  Where is the fucking rock and roll nowadays. In the Past? NO IT'S Still Here. Living on in this strange man. This random dude who lives in a shit hole and loves rock and roll. He looks kind of familiar." 

I Got The Bugers Burgers Burgers Burgers Burgers

Sunday afternoon sitting in the cool breeze eating an American burger. What could be better. I ate burgers everyday for one summer. I wish I had stats on my lifetime of burgers. Todays Burger was unique. I had been craving burgers all day and finally decided to make the dreaded burger walk. On the way I saw a Panera bread and I kind of wanted to get my soup on but it was all for not. I continued on my journey and eventually made contact with a burger retail outlet known as Five Guys Even though there was more than five guys running the place. I got the burgers burgers burgers burgers burgers burgers burgers burgers burgers burgers. I also got fries. Men's Health says that five guys meals are bad for you but I don't care because they taste good and Burgers are American. Now Every Sunday I go for a long adventure walk and treat myself to some good old American Cuisine. MMMM MMMM MMMMM so tasty. Hot Burgers and Fries Made To Order. I am not even getting paid for this. I just really like the burgers. Sometimes when I meet people for the first time I ask them "Excuse Me Do You Have Burgers?"

I love to read cuz it is fun

I love to read cuz it is fun

I read books to everyone

Stay up all night with a real page turner

Sci Fi fantasy mystery murder

Self help how to poetry bios

Graphic novel newspaper secret files

Magazine innards off the press from the printer

Cook books on the stove serve them for dinner

How to be a winner for beginners and novices

Lists about making better lists at offices

Happily ever after dystopian Apocalypse

Digest the reader and close the cover on politics

Stick my nose in a book toucan said to follow it

Check it out free or pay a lot at the colleges

Sit around a lot with a book in my gaze

How I love to read let me count the ways

One I read a book in the tub

Two I read a book in the club

Three I read a book on a date

Four I read a book in a crate

Five I read a book in a fight

Six I book a room and a flight

READ 

READ AGAIN

READ 

READ MY FRIEND

READ

CUZ IT IS FUN

READ TO EVERYONE

I prefer to shower after I read.

A book I recieved from a dear friend. 

From The Desk Of BallPark Frank

I get big in the paint like a big man on canvas
Frank on the globe write rhymes on the atlas
Make all the money to buy all the makers
On your mark get set on the plate like taters
Better now than laters i glide like the skaters
Always rip ass when i'm in the elavators
Darth like the vaders light saber tooth tigers
Watching us now in the eye of the fighter
Lit like a lighter cuz got spins like the dryer
Walking home looking like the man on the wire
I burn rubber like a fire breathing dragon with a magnum 
Condom i got at the spot when I bought gum 
Got some awesome nachos with cheese sauce and quac yo
An ice cream snickers and a choco taco
Got the tic tacs and tactics the stretch like elastic
I love the fans cuz they are fantastic 

Mr. Weedman Draft 1

Bong Bong Bong Bong Bong 
Bong Bong Bong Bong Bong
Bong Bong Bong Bong Bong
Bong Bong Bong Bong Bong
Bong Bong Bong Bong Bong


Mr. Weedman bring me some trees
(Bong Bong Bong Bong)
Bring me some nuggets and bring me some leaves
(Bong Bong Bong Bong)
Give me a mix white widow and clover
(Bong Bong Bong Bong)
Mr. Weedman please come over


Weedman pick up the phone
(Bong Bong Bong Bong)
Drove past your house I know that your home
(Bong Bong Bong Bong)
Please I'm feeling like a fiend
Mr. Weedman bring me some green

Bong Bong Bong Bong Bong

Bong Bong Bong Bong Bong

Bong Bong Bong Bong Bong

Bong Bong Bong Bong Bong

Bong Bong Bong Bong Bong

Mister Weedman bring me some trees
Bring me some nuggets and bring me some leaves
Give me the biggest bag you've got at your place
Mr. Weedman I need to blaze


Weedman I'm so alone
I need some ganja so I can get stoned
No stems no sticks and please no seeds
Mr. Weedman bring me some weed

Bong Bong Bong Bong Bong

Bong Bong Bong Bong Bong

Bong Bong Bong Bong Bong

Bong Bong Bong Bong Bong

Bong Bong Bong Bong Bong

Mr. Weedman (Yes?)
Bring us some budz
Give us a bag of your finest nugz
Mr. Weedman please 
Mr. Weedman bring me some weed

It is sung in the style of these wonderful young ladies. Sure is nice to hear such a nice Song. 

Fat Tire Please

The Suburban Invaders and I performed a show at The Redline Tap in Ravenswood on Sunday night. This is a unrehearsed improv moment from the show where we happened to be taking a little to long between songs and I simply tell the audience about this empty fat tire keg I brought with as a prop. Our new Drummer Rod was using it as part of his drum kit. I have been using the keg at home as part of my "No Exceptions, No Excuses" workout plan. After I simply point out the keg to the crowd, the whole band seems to jump on board and a whole ridiculous song about fat tire just seems to flow out of us. Just so you know, for all of the verses in the song I am impersonating this really great guy named Harry Fridas who often said "Fat Tire Please" and would always demand Fat Tire after doing odd jobs at work like mopping the whole floor or checking people in at the door. Last year Harry was deported back to Sydney Austrailia where there is no Fat Tire. Someday when I have more of a following, I plan on having an event called "Harry's Wild Show" where we would be the musical entertainment alongside some sketch and stand up comedy. The proceeds from the event would all go toward purchasing and exporting a whole Keg of Fat Tire to Harry who is currently living in Sydney. Harry If your reading this, I miss you man. I hope you like the song.

Any Questions?

Can I Ask You A Few Questions?

If life is a marathon when do we get time to train for it?

Is throwing an apple through a window considered a technological breakthrough?

What does the late bird get to eat?

Should the bottom of the ocean have a wet floor sign?

Are stinky feet the original stocking stuffer?

If you stood taller than everyone else, would they all understand you?

If Cows could prescribe prescription medication to people. Would they work at a Farmacy?

If you write a Slogan on a baseball and throw it through the window of an advertising firm, is that a good pitch?

In anger management is there an assistant manager?

Is trick or treat a trick question?

If a broken clock is right twice a day, how many times is it wrong?

Should the punishment for breaking and entering be

fixing and leaving?

How do you talk about a code of silence?

Can a nose run a marathon? If it won, would they say it won by a nose?

If a witch makes a mistake is it considered misspelling?

Do stars take meteor showers and wear asteroid belts?

In the gaming world, is it good to be considered “all thumbs?”

If a group of vegans sit at a table is it considered a vegetable?

Is procrastinating at the top of your to do list?

When humpty dumpty fell, why did everyone try to put him back together when they could have just had a good breakfast?

If a pilot forgets to zip up his pants, is he then traveling in a no fly zone?

If you play golf while handcuffed is it called, Cuff links?

If you throw toxic sludge on a lamp, is that light pollution?

If you fall down in an elevator while it’s going up, do you break even?

If you clean your meat, is that a polish sausage?

If an elf was crowned king, would he be called Elfvis?

When you meet your obligations, is it polite to introduce yourself?

If you write something while sitting down, is it possible to stand by your word?

When your car breaks down should you take it to see a shrink?

If you construct a life boat out of soda cans, might it be called a root beer float?

Do you need rolling papers for smoked sausage?

Why do most shallow people have deep seeded issues?

Is slowly eating fast food considered, wasting your time?

If you straighten and shuffle papers for thirty minutes can you then say that you spent a half hour jogging?

Is a locomotive a train or a crazy idea?

If I wanted to call myself to talk about personal matters, should I get an I-Phone?

What is the difference between staying up too early and going to bed too late?

How many rooms are in a house of cards?

How many hands does it take to hold a grudge?

In theatre classes, are students encouraged to “act up?”

When you meet your doom, should you bring an introductory gift?

Is there any strength in letters?

How come there are never any beds in restrooms?

If you’re unsure about how to change your morning routine, should you just sleep on it?

If you bring a fishing pole on an airplane, might you be….fly fishing?

If someone loses a hotdog should you check your buns accordingly?

If you pack a fanny pack, is it then called a “fanny packed?”

If you get a hangnail on a cliff, is it considered a cliffhanger?

If you are hard of hearing does that mean you prefer easy listening?

If Darth Vader is on your Elevator is it then considered an Elevader?

What exactly is phony bologna? And is it FDA approved?

How much sleep constitutes a little rest?

Do pigs bring home the most bacon?

If your eyes really are bigger than your stomach, should you really be worried about finishing your meal?

When you purchase a sweater should you buy deodorant too?

If you break your 12 inch sub, can you take it to the foot doctor?

Is an Arnold Palmer a golf tea?

When you see a fork in the road, did the spoon and the knife take the paths on either side?

When aliens touchdown, will they go for the extra point?

If you run out of breath while putting your pants on, should that be called “panting?”

If you go to the mall and hop around very quietly while making your purchases, is that called “Shhhh hopping?”

Should spiders be credited with creating the first website?

If a Baker drops thirteen muffins on the floor, would that be called a “Bakers Doesn’t?”

If you lived a peaceful solitary life in the mountains meditating and eating nachos, would that make you a “chip monk?”

Should you be upset if a mime gives you the silent treatment?

If laughter is the best medicine where can I get a prescription?

Why didn’t the three little pigs just get brinks home security system?

How is it possible that Tom Cruise always completes these supposedly impossible missions?

Do these new hybrid sharks run on electricity?

When the chips are down should you just switch to pretzels?

Can you drink minute maid out of an hour glass?

How much man money can a duck fit in its bill fold?

If you fail to meet your obligations, should you reschedule the meeting?

If there is plenty of fish in the sea why is seafood so expensive?

If you leave a bread crumb trail, should you worry about the elderly stealing your bread crumbs to feed hungry ducks?

If you donate your pipe organ does that qualify you as being an organ donor?

Why is it that whenever someone spills the beans there is never any rice to go with it?

Is having the pick of the litter bad if you own a litter box?

Why is it that when something smells funny no one ever laughs?

Maximum Pain

I started posting videos on you tube to promote my comedic talents to a broader audience. There is no real plan here. Simply throwing stuff out there to try and attract a following of people who like to watch weird people act weird. This video is me poking fun of Max Pain, Preparation H, and the acting style used in most pain medication commercials. Hope you like. Gotta go there is a re run of Married with Children on and there are a lot of babes looking hot and I can no longer concentrate on the task at hand. Good day to you all.  

Spring Cleaning

I have been hard at work lately working on new material and organizing all my old work into easily accessible spaces at my desk and desktop. Decided to take a break when I found this old verse I wrote last summer while living in Roscoe Village. It's to the beat of GZA'S Amplified Sample Instrumental. 

Heineken Bros

I work for the radio rap in the underground

Lifting one up trying to put the other down

I'm clown in disguise in a mid size frame

been a face without a brain ever since I could hang

Had too many friends fucked up on the weekends

In a smokey haze fucked up on the weekdays

Laugh and pretend the problem doesn't exist

until your at the open mic number one on the list

with no k hits and you cant spit shit

can you fix it in an instant with the instrumental kickin?

your lines are a mess like a book without a spine

searching through your mind for the rhyme you cant find

Blind in the light you can't see the boos

No attention from the ladies bad looks from the dudes

Who'd a thought that you'd be in this position

while I'm breaking up weed on my composition

notebook as your so shook your cooked

cut and eatin you failed on the beat

You've been beaten. 

Franky Deez

March Madness

March is my favorite month of the year. It's like the rebirth of nature and the ultimate wave of green drinking power and basketball madness. No matter what is going on in my life in march it usually gets referred to in the context of "madness" such as "Finals Madness" (in reference to college finals) and more recently "March Open Mic Madness" (in reference to a whole lot of open mic appearances me and Benny G have made on behalf The Suburban Invaders.) It is a wonderful time of the year. My birthday is March 15th it is always easy every year to find people that are willing to go out and party because of all the "madness" in the air. Chicago is probably the best place in the whole world to celebrate St Patrick's Day. If you disagree I encourage you to come hang out with me next year. Wherever I may in this fair Midwestern city. It will be a blast. and on one final note....Madness Oh Yeah Brother.

Facebook Creepin at the Open Mic

Recently I have been doing a lot of Open Mics with my friend Benny G to promote our two man hip hop 

comedy group "The Suburban Invaders" On stage I go by "BallPark Frank" and Benny goes by "The Nvisible Man" last Tuesday we performed a few of our songs at Vaughn's Pub on Sheffield  Ave. The host named Tony was really nice and even came up and played guitar while we rapped. At the End of our set we did an Acoustic Freestyle to the Rhythm of the song "Creep" By Radiohead. Personally I love how it turned out. In this video Benny G performs first and I come in at about 1:52 

Here is a link to the Video :Acoustic Freestyle at Vaughn's Pub Creep Style

Feel Free to Sing Along to my rendition of "Facebook Creepin"

They Say I'm a Creep Cuz I been Creepin on Facebook

I printed out your photos and took a second look, awwwww

I put em up in my bedroom and I look at em all

I looked at one in the locker room before I played basketball

Cuz I'm a Creep, I been Creepin on Facebook

I know how to get in your phone

I know who you've been texting

Why didn't you just text me?