A few years ago I worked at a department store. One day I saw a sign in the break room that basically said, “If you can give us any information about crooked employees or shoplifters and your information leads to an apprehension then you will be compensated.” I wasn’t sure what to think so I walked into my manager’s office and asked the Manager “What does the sign in the break room mean?”
She explained to me that if I snitch on somebody and my snitching leads to an apprehension then I’d get money for my snitch.
Getting paid for snitching, now that sounds easy.
I’m not exactly poor but I could use some extra money, so the next day I went to work looking for people to snitch on.
I clock in and see Jerry the old man who stocks the appliance section. He hobbles around with a big smile on his face and gummy bears in his pants (he is constantly eating them and playing with them in his pockets.” Jerry is nice to me so I overlook how easy it would be to snitch on him for the nasty things he does with stuffed animals in the stock room. (Weird Furry Creature Tea Parties Anyone?)
Next I see Debbie who is basically responsible for going around the store locating and relocating misplaced items. I can’t snitch on her because it would be too easy. She has pee stains (I know what its like to pee your pants) that look like they’ve been around for a few days, which is probably an employee appearance violation. She seems not to notice. Not to mention the fact that she’s always stuffing random merchandise in her shirt for no reason.
I spent the whole day looking for people to snitch on but I felt guilty. So I rode the escalator upstairs to see what's new in the break room.
The break room is a sad place that smells of hot dog water. It smells this way because one time somebody brought in a crock pot full of hot dogs and boiling water. The whole staff feasted on dogs and then nobody cleaned up afterward. The crock pot still remains on the table next to the time clock and if you look into the pot you can see rancid, moldy, hotdogs floating in water with skin on the surface.
I sat a table unwrapping the Starburst I purchased earlier at the Seven Eleven. Orange and Pink are the best but they didn't taste good that day because I felt so guilty. I decided that Link from the sandwich shop was right to be so angry about being a called a snitch. I felt bad for plotting against my coworkers. I decided that snitching is wrong and you should just mind your own business. Just then Jerry walked in and smiled at me while reaching into his pocket for a handful of warm gummy bears. He starts eating them and laughing. “What’s So funny?” I asked. He laughed out loud all weird and creepy “I saw Debbie stuffing chocolates from the Valentines Day setup in her shirt for no reason and I’m gonna tell the Manager about it because I have a need for some extra cash.” He eventually stopped laughing and asked me if I was thinking about turning anyone in. I stood up and threw my starburst wrapper in the trash, pointed my finger at his face and said “ There is something you should know about me. I Aint NO SNITCH! And I will turn you in for your weird Stuffed Animal Tea Parties if you try to snitch on Debbie!”
After a few days the sign in the break room mysteriously disappeared and even more mysteriously, someone finally cleaned up the hot dog crock pot.
The End
Thieves and Snitches ruining the world together. Why can’t thieves just be caught in the first place so snitches wouldn’t be tempted?
Dale Fanella
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